childhood crush

PART SIXTEEN - "you cant drink me away"

a/n : sorry for never writting 😭 i always get bored and never finish anything and school started back up for me so im a little busy. but enjoy this chapter

"you cant drink me away" he said with a chuckle. i just told him everything, i feel so stupid. he then held me by the waist gently. forcing our eyes to meet. "you were never my side piece." he says deep with his chest. even if that was true i could never forgive him. and i get he was trying to "protect" me and bill but he could of did something else. and theres always some issue going on between us. maybe we were soulmates. i looked away from him, my head turned towards the door that was still open from me running in. i felt his hand place onto my face. he slowly moved my chin facing him. "please dont think about anything else" he said. "dont think about other guys, or anyone else. think about me, ... good things about me" he said looking deep into my eyes. he always gave me butterflies. every word he said made me feel special. but i couldnt, i wont fall for him again.

i finally snap back and realize he was still holding me. i removed his hands off me and rolled my eyes. trying to hint i didnt forgive him. i looked back at the door avoiding eye contact. "baby, please forgive me" he said as he kept trying to look at me. his eyes were watering and he looked like a sad puppy. "dont call me baby" i said with my strong german accent. i looked back at him. "we are through. you cheated, im not staying with someone i dont trust" my words broke his heart, i could tell his whole word shattered.

toms pov

my voice shaken, my eyes watering and tired, my heart hurting. all things ended up with me not okay. 'not staying with someone i dont trust'? what does that mean? she dosent trust me anymore? i looked into her beautiful, beautiful eyes. i always got lost in them but now instead of lost, i know exactly where i am. im looking into the eyes of a goddess. a beautiful girl who always wanted to be loved and appreciated. a girl who wanted to feel safe and secure. but i failed at that. i made her feel alone, and sad. i made the girl who wanted me more then anything in the world want nothing to do with me anymore. i failed her. and she knows i failed her.

"you dont trust me anymore?" i asked quietly as a tear ran down my face but i simply ignored it.

"tom, you know what i meant" she said rolling her eyes and putting her hands in the air.

"i dont, i really dont" i said trying to laugh it off. "you dont trust me anymore."

"do not turn this onto me! i could trust you if you never cheated on me in the first place!" she yelled back at me. i feel like i dont deserve her, as shes out of my league, the perfect girl and shes too good for me. i always end up messing up. im a failure, a disappointment, a mess up. i cant do anything right, im not good at love, and i can never be happy or a normal person. the only person who made me feel happy was madi. and now im loosing her.

"madi, please" i begged. i needed her. i want her to need me again. "i cant do this without you" i said. "i had to protect you"

"you had too? i could of handled it!" she yelled. she was fuming with anger. i wanted to hold her and rub her back and tell her everything was okay. it hurts me to see her like this.

"madi what did you expect me to do?! okay! i was in a situation where i could loose the love of my life and my brother! i didnt know who she was or what she could do?! for fuck sake i didnt want you to get hurt cause i fucking love you madi!" i didnt mean to yell. i wanted her to feel safe not scared. i felt as everything was my fault. her eyes started watering as she looked at me. i could always tell wether she was happy or sad by the way she looked at me. but now, i couldnt tell. have i lost madi? have i lost my madi? she was lost for words and so was i. i miss her, so much. so fucking much. without her i never felt complete. everytime she left for america i cried. i hate to admit it but i did. i would cry, then look at photos of us, play music that i made about her, and cope with it. then she would always come back. but this time. this time a different girl came back. but either way i love her or her as a different girl. i love her no matter what.

and after all the yelling, sadness, madness and craziness. there were two kids. two kids who had troubled love towards eachother. two kids who were hurt. and two kids who love eachother. but yet this time, there was a different type of love, a different type of yelling, a different type of sadness, a different type of emotion. nothing was sad, nothing was happy, and nothing was neutral. two hopeless kids, alone. alone and scared who they only wanted was eachother.

"tom, i cant" ...