IF I STAY ― haobin [BOOK ONE]

IF I STAY

"Stay," Hanbin begs. His voice is raw in a way that says he is simply losing his mind with fear and worry. "There is no word for what happened. Nothing would ever be able to describe the magnitude of it all. But there is something to live for. I don't just mean me. I don't know. Hao-hyung," and oh, Hao could cry, "maybe I'm talking shit. I know I'm in shock. I haven't digested it. Not any of it. But when I think about your parents, about Ricky—"

When he says Ricky's name, his voice cracks horribly, and then he is crying, sobbing, holding Hao's cold, cold hand and fighting to pull himself together, and Hao thinks, I love you, I love you, I love you, my Hanbin, my sun, my everything. I don't know how to decide, I don't know how to stay, I don't know how to go, but I love you, I love you.

[In the aftermath of events that tear up Zhang Hao's entire world, he is given a choice between life and death. But neither choice is easy—and wallowing in memories only gives him more reasons for both sides of the coin.]

❛ ━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━ ❜

CONTENT WARNINGS.
major character death, car accidents,
blood and gore, grief/mourning,
implied/referenced homophobia,
implied/referenced child abuse,
references to cancer.

❛ ━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━ ❜

DEDICATED TO!
Clara 1 (AO3 user caramiro)
& AO3 user official_kbean.
love you, my fellow haobin
psych-ward permanent residents.
hope you enjoy this wild ride.

❛ ━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━ ❜

AUTHOR'S NOTE.

OKAY SO HI. i've been working on this thing for ages and I'm finally posting it! because I can! I know what I said about waiting to finish but I'm impatient lmao

so, a couple of things to note. first of all, this is NOT an original idea of mine. this is essentially a haobin/half-zb1 ft. kuanjui version of the novel if i stay by gayle forman. i changed many things about the characters' lives but the event progression and plot overall are NOT mine - it belongs to her!

second, this fic is a haobin, but it's not just a haobin. this is a fic about hao's life, his family, the people and things he loves and core memories that have formed him. hanbin just happens to take up a lot of his headspace and heart. i will be adapting the sequel to if i stay eventually, which is more haobin centric but in hanbin's pov, so never fear!

update schedule is basically nonexistent since i do not have internet access at home right now, but i'm usually about two chapters ahead of what i post in ao3 (priority goes to posting there first, sorry guys), so i suppose you can use that as a frame of reference because i will not post a chapter after chapter six unless i'm at least two chapters ahead. just keep that in mind :)

that being said, happy reading!

❛ ━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━ ❜

IF I STAY / a haobin fanfiction.
BOOK ONE OF THREE.
full plot credits to Gayle Forman.