He Calls Forth the Better Feelings of my Heart

Chapter 8: A Sinner's Prayer

Two days passed by, both of which were little more than a blur. In that time, I only attempted to act as normal as possible, whilst avoiding Henry in the process. It was strange how quickly the man who had been nothing but a source of great comfort became a source of stress and anxieties. And yet, somehow, Henry was still a comforting presence. My mind and emotions seemed to be split into two perfect halves, one that hated my wretched feelings, and one that wished to love and embrace them. I knew far too well that the second half was nothing short of impossible, though. Elizabeth had put it lightly when she stated that my feelings were simply taboo. It was far worse.

On the morning of the twenty-eighth, Henry and I elected to make our departure back to my home - a comfortable house in Ingolstadt. We had packed the belongings we brought, and prepared ourselves for yet another train ride. I did not know which I feared more: the awful smoke from the train, or being stuck alone in a compartment with Henry. Since my realization, I feared my emotions would simply jump out at any given opportunity, as if they were an unrestrained animal.

We had already bid our farewells to the rest of my family, leaving only Elizabeth to bid us goodbye. She and I had barely spoken since Christmas night, and I had hardly even looked in her direction during this time. She approached me first, and though I had expected an emotion of judgment in her gaze, she only looked sympathetic. Elizabeth embraced me, and I quickly returned the touch.

Before my cousin pulled away, though, she whispered to me, "Do not hide yourself Victor. I do not think you are the only one." With this ambiguous message, Elizabeth pulled away from myself and moved to embrace Henry. Admittedly, her words had left me dumbfounded, and I could not decipher what she had meant. 'I do not think you are the only one' was nothing short of a mysterious riddle that I could not solve.

—

Before I knew it, Henry and I had once again boarded the awful train. Just like the previous train ride, boarding the train had bombarded my lungs with the most horrid coal smoke. It mixed with my already swirling anxieties to create a most miserable experience. This was exactly the scenario I had been fearing since I had come to my horrible realization: being trapped alone in a small compartment with my dearest Clerval.

Just as he had during our previous train ride, Henry chose to sit next to me, rather than in the seat across from me. I did not know why he would choose to be so close, but the proximity only made it more difficult to be around my friend. I clutched my hands together in my lap, gazing out of the train's window. I attempted in vain to think of anything to say, and yet I could not come up with a single word to speak to my dear friend.

Soon, though, I was spared from thinking of a topic to speak about. Henry turned towards me, brandishing that handsome smile of his. "I feel as if you and I have barely spoken since Christmas, Victor..." He looked away for a moment or two, I could have sworn there was a faint redness to his cheeks. "... I would love to know your thoughts on A Sicilian Romance, provided that you read it of course." His gaze searched my weak frame, and every second that my dear friend stared at me only caused my heart to race faster.

Though I had to force a smile to come to my face, it became more and more genuine by the second. Henry provided such a strange mixture of calm and anxiety that my mind seemed to constantly switch between feeling safe and endangered. "Yes, of course... My thoughts-" Pausing, I ransacked my own mind for any thoughts about the story. "I believe.. Julia was my favorite character. I felt immensely connected to her, in a way." In part, this was a lie. I knew exactly why I felt so deeply connected to the character of Julia.

Henry, seemingly satisfied with this, nodded. He looked directly into my eyes, causing my face to become warm in an instant. "Hippolitus is my favorite..." His gaze lingered on my face for another moment before he finally looked away, continuing to speak. "Well then, Victor, I am certainly happy that you enjoyed it! Although, um... I have to ask-'' Clerval looked over to me, the faintest hint of worry in his expression. Never before had I heard my dear friend hesitate like he did in that moment.
"-Why have you not been speaking to me?" Clerval finally finished his sentence, gaze moving to meet my own. I had never seen him so nervous. His hands were clasped together in his lap, but their grip seemed tighter than usual. I could only meet his gaze for a moment before I had to look away.