His Amour

Blair

I went to work and it was a pretty chill evening. There was an early meeting that would take hours, I wasn't needed so I got to go home.

I opened my apartment door and made dinner for my mom. That reminds me that I need to buy more food for her. I take it up to her, she thanks me and asked how my day was. I didn't want to talk about it. I haven't made any friends just enemies. I just told her it was good and said I'm going to clean the apartment a bit.

I looked through the mail again and YES!! PAYCHECK! AND ITS ENOUGH TO PAY THE REST OF THE RENT!! Maybe today wasn't too bad after all. I went down to the landlord and paid it and I said I'm hoping to pay next months rent quicker.

I am getting a raise at the book store so I'm not lying but both my jobs together aren't  enough. I guess I'll go find another job I can do. Like a night shift somewhere, I might not get any sleep but it will work for now. 

I went back up yo the apartment and started researching jobs that I can do on the weekdays after the assistant job. I found a cleaner job at a café I can do after hours. I sent in an email and I'll wait for them to get back to me. The café is on the corner of my street so I can quickly go home and give mom her dinner and go to my job. It's perfect!

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I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about today. I can't stop thinking about Ledger. He is such a dick. Why would he leave me in the hallway like that? No wonder he hasn't got a girlfriend, he's such a cow. A fat cow. Nah he's not fat. he's solid. I bet he's got a work of art under his shirt. 

die. 

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It's been a week at school and finally the weekend. I open my emails and I got the cleaning job. I start Monday. 

Nothings changed. I'm still the weird girl with no friends. Everyone hates me. On Friday, I found bugs in my locker. I can't handle school, I can't handle 3 jobs I can barely handle 2, I can't handle this pressure of getting rent due on time, responsibilities and everything. It's too much. 

I was in a state of unawareness, I got the blade from the back of my phone case and I cut. I had been so good for 1 month. But the feeling is so good. The feeling of the pain makes me forget everything. I was sat on the floor, back against my door staring at the cuts I made on my thighs. Covered in blood. I get a sense of freedom when I cut. It doesn't matter how much I hate doing it, I can't stop. Something always manages to push me over the edge.

Wait. Shit. How am I supposed to cover these tomorrow?? I have a skirt. It's not even below my fingertips (rule in a public school I used to go to). I'll figure it out in the morning. I'm suddenly tired now.