BETTER OFF

6

KENZIE

"So how's school going?" Mom asks me sitting across from me at the table. Macey is to my right and Dad is sitting across from her. And an array of sushi sits on the table in front of us.

"It's good," I smile reaching for one of the pieces of edamame in the center of the table, "Ended last semester with all A's. Next semester I'm taking a few more classes for my minor, so a lot more studio time."

I'm majoring in business with a minor in photography. I've loved taking photos since I was little. I used to walk around with a little pink camera in my hands everywhere. Macey would model for me, we'd have photoshoots all over the house and neighborhood. But my favorite moments were going on walks and finding the little things in life to take photos of. Like cracks in the pavement, blooming flowers, children's bikes left in the street. It's relaxing.

"Good job," Dad praises me as I eat the garlic flavored beans.

While Mom goes for the thing I was hoping she wouldn't bring up, but it's Mom so of course she does.

"What about the team? Are you guys working on getting better for next season? Seeing how you guys ended last season," she hums.

We placed first at the end of the season and yet that's still, somehow, was not good enough for her. She's been on Macey and I since that last competition. Macey and her team placed fourth, so she's gotten the worst of it but I've still gotten my fair share of shame from Mom.

"Yeah, we've got lots of conditioning and technique camps coming up," I nod. Plus the weeks of classes she set up for me with her friends in LA.

"Macey's been working hard, I hope you can say the same." She's in coach mode, not mom mode. I love her but sometimes ask she can think about is dance and being the best of the best.

"Yes, I can. Last week with Brandi we worked on leaps and turns," I try to keep my voice steady.

Macey's hand finds mine under the table giving me a squeeze that I return knowing we're both thinking the same thing.

I turn to Dad, trying to change the subject, "How are the boys doing?"

"We've got a new QB since Jared graduated and he's getting better day by day," Dad nods, "But I've got a good feeling about this team."

He always says that.

The rest of dinner is full of Mom and Dad telling us about their trip to New York a few weeks ago, Macey telling us about the trip she took with her boyfriend's family to Florida, and me telling them about my flight home but not naming the boy in the story. It's sounds like a meet cute from a movie when I tell it. But it's Logan so it's just the start of a bad coming of age movie instead.

-

"Kenz," Macey knocks on the open door that connects our rooms together via the Jack and Jill bathroom between them.

"Mhm?" I look up from my phone and over at her.

She's got a black tube in one hand and a little purple lighter in the other, she smirks asking, "Wanna go to the roof?" 

"Oh my god! Yes!" I immediately get up and slide on my slippers.

We've been doing this since we were sixteen. Sneaking out my window to the part of the roof that faces the back of the house, lighting up and sharing a joint.

"I've missed this," I smile blissfully, handing the joint to Macey as I lay back on the roof.

We pass the joint back a forth in silence for a bit.

It's dark outside now, the moon is full above us, stars sprinkled around us.

I take a deep breath.

"What was the for?" Macey turns to look at me.

"Why is Mom so..."

"Annoying?"

"I guess."

Macey shrugs taking another hit, inhaling and blowing the smoke away before she hands it back to me.

"Nothing we do is good enough," I sigh.

"Dude," Macey says wrapping her arms around her legs, drawing her knees to her chest, "She was a fucking Dallas Cowboys cheerleader! We're never gonna live up to her!"

"What the fuck," I sigh, taking a long drag off the joint.

"We're doing the best we fucking can," Macey says, "For fucks sake, you had to have surgery on your knee less then a year before graduating and you're still on a college dance team!"

We both look at the scar on my right leg that stretches from the top of my knee. I eye the other scars the shards of glass left that night, they're smaller and faded now but still there.

"Most people would quit after that!"

"Mom would never let me quit," I counter.

Macey nods, knowing the feeling.

"I just for once want her to say 'I'm proud of you, Makenzie' just once," I sigh.

"I think I'd combust if she said that," Macey says, laying back on the roof like I am.

"Same, we'll just have to," I get cut off by Macey's phone ringing.

"It's B," she smiles at her phone. B as in Brandon aka her high school sweetheart.

Macey answers the facetime call and holds the phone high so we're both in frame.

"Hi baby!" She smiles, "Look who I'm with!"

"Hi, Brandon," I wave.

"Kenzie! Your back!" Brandon cheers.

"I am," I nod.

"Well perfect timing because Miles just called and told me about this kickback tomorrow night, at Jason's," Brandon says, "You girls wanna come? I'll DD for you."

"Nope," I shake my head. Oh that was too fast, I squeeze my eyes shut trying to center myself.

"Oh c'mon, Kenz! Please!" Macey begs.

"I don't want to go party with people from high school." I say slowly opening my eyes.

"Please!" Macey begs, looking over at me with those puppy dog brown eyes.

"C'mon Kenzie, you've gotta come! It'll be fun!" Brandon chirps from the phone.

"She's just grumpy, I'll get her to come," Macey smiles at the phone. Then she starts to stand up, "I'm gonna go talk to my boyfriend, grumpy pants."

I flip her off as she makes her way inside through my window.

I take a deep breath staring at the stars and the moon.

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I lift the joint to my lips again but it's not lit anymore. I groan and sit up, digging the lighter from my pocket to light the joint again.