I Don't Know Why I Am The Way I Am.
in which his older brother's death makes buckley berzatto realize he's not quite exactly healed from the things he thought he was.
[ male original character x male original character ]
[ the bear season one - u...
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— chapter zero. (how to save a life)
trigger warnings: suicide mention.
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SIBLINGS ARE SUCH a weird concept to comprehend. You're the same and you're not the same, though you still hate each other for those similarities. They're the people you can hurt the worst but will always want to keep the safest, who you would drop everything and everyone for.
Your greatest enemy. / But your most loyal friend.
I fucking hate you./Please don't cry, it breaks my heart to see you like this.
You drive me insane/I need your comfort, only you can understand me.
I don't want even to see you on some days./ I would fight the world and all its inhabitants for you.
Buckley Berzatto could never quite understand his older siblings and didn't know if he ever would. Their relationship was complicated to say the least, especially after he moved out without a warning at the age of seventeen. Despite all of that, they had all walked hand in hand through the venomous hell that was their childhood home and family, and for that, Buckley could never hate them. The love from them was there. It didn't change anything, nor did it save anyone. The forces against it were far too much, but it matters that it was still there. They all had the same invisible and matching wounds that stained their skin and mouths, blood-red and maggot-infested.
Buckley still hated himself for leaving them to deal with it by themselves.
At twenty-five he was still learning how to rid his mouth of the sour taste, scrubbing his skin raw in the shower in hopes that he could shed himself down the drain and be able to look in the mirror without feeling nauseated. To be able to look in the fogged-up glass and not see his mother's eyes staring back at him, to not hear his father every time he laughed. Living in his own body was a personal hell, it was like entering somewhere where you knew, immediately, that you weren't wanted there.
