Writing Junk!

A Writing Memoir

(Published Jan. 9, 2023)

I never felt I truly belonged in the real world. A part of me had always felt the way the moment I began to think for myself. As with so many other people, I am dissatisfied with the reality I live in. Just like so many others before and the ones who will come after, I am always envisioning an escape. And I have. In reality you are a mortal. In another world... you're a God. You are free.

That's what storytelling has done for me. Its what keeps me going every single day of my life. That desire for absolute freedom. To be anything I ever wanted. To be able to create with a simple thought. To always have an endless expanded universe of infinite possibilities. Its why I've always daydreamed about myself being the embodiment of everything. Becoming all that ever is, was, or will be... that is my true desire. To live unbound by the laws of reality and time. Storytelling of all kind gives me the chance to become that.

I'll never forget how all of this started. During my youth, I was always fascinated by the many tv shows and movies I saw. Because it is in those mediums I was able to learn and grow my mind. Along with it, my imagination and desire for freedom from reality. I would always have daydreams interacting with fictional characters. I would always be the center of attention among them. That's what I loved daydreaming about the most. Becoming friends with all types of characters and experiencing life within their worlds. They would always be there for me, because that is in their design. If I could bring some of these characters to life I'd rather establish connections and bonds with them than real people.

Over time, as I got older, my imaginations would no longer be limited to interacting and living in the same world as fictional characters. I began creating my own interpretation of them and the storylines they were a part of. The kinds of storytelling I was exposed to as I grew up also expanded the kinds of daydreams I would have. It got to a point where I sometimes talked to myself in private as if some of these characters were actually there in front of me. In time, these kinds of thought trains set me down on a path that would eventually get me interested in writing.

I remember the first story idea I conceived. Forged from a dream about a horror movie monster. That moment fully drove me to jotting down ideas for it. I came up with the creature, the storyline, the characters, and even thought up multiple sequels. Not too long after conceiving this idea, my mind immediately flooded to creating another story idea. This next one being inspired by the Jurassic Park/World series. And then I came up with another idea. And then another idea. And then another. I'll never forget that feeling. It was as if the floodgates to my imagination had fully opened.

From that day onward, deep down I really desired to write stories. That was the main career goal I wanted to pursue. It was because of that desire I got into reading some books for the first time in my life. Seeing how other author's wrote really gave me the opportunity to explore different methods in how someone can present their story. I started out writing my stories like a script or a play. And then I inevitably turned to writing more traditionally. I was fairly confident in my abilities to write good stories that others would come to love. However... that passion slowly slipped away as I neared young adulthood.

I was a little boy chasing the sun across an empty field. Sadly, sooner or later, something will get in the way. And several things did. Everyone is always chasing after something. Sometimes, what you are chasing may be exactly the same as another person. Being surrounded by other dreamers makes you feel less special. Seeing and hearing how skilled another person was with their writing always made me feel jealous. Part of me even felt outclassed. That kind of thinking eventually led to self-doubt. It didn't help when some of the people in my life hit me with a dose of reality when it comes to landing a career in the writing field. I'll never forget the day I told my own mother that I really wanted to become an author after meeting a real one, she basically crushed my dreams with reality. Somewhere inside I began to believe I never had a chance to begin with. No matter how much I wanted to grasp it, there was no way I could fulfill my fantastical desires.

Even after coming to terms with that fact, a part of me had already given up on wanting to pursue a career in writing. I remember sometimes asking myself why I kept writing and jotting down story ideas when I had already surrendered to reality. And then I remembered why I did it all in the first place.

There was once a time I fully lost my passion for writing. Because of reality. Because of my own lack of confidence and disbelief. Because I began treating it all like a job. It all clicked for me. I pursued writing because of the freedom it gave me. I never wrote to gain other's attention or to be acknowledged. I only wrote because I do it for me, and me alone. I have so much fun coming up with characters, storylines, scenes, etcetera, and put it down on paper or some digital document. I love being a creator. I love planning on what will happen in all my stories. I love thinking about what I would envision some of these being in other mediums. That is why I love writing. That is why I'm still doing it. That is why I'm never going to stop. This is a part of my character and I'm not willing to let it go.

I'm done hoping for the day someone will notice me and ask for my talents to be utilized with their organization. I'm done being discouraged by more talented and skilled writing colleagues. I'm done holding myself down when I don't fulfill any goals or tasks I set for myself. I'm going to write because that is part of me and an extension of what goes on inside my head. If someone does acknowledge me and wants me to utilize my talents to an audience, I'll be open to it. If it doesn't happen, I'm completely fine with that as well. I don't live my life to impress or seek the attention of others. I live and do things at my own accord. And writing is part of that process. I may not be writing everyday, but my imagination will never stop churning.

I write to write. That is all I have ever done and will continue to do. Just write.