Writing Junk!

I Am My Own Hero

(Published Aug. 2, 2020)

Sometimes the only real hero you need is right in front of you. When you look into a mirror, that reflection alone tells you what you are. I recall the day when I first reflected upon myself in a critical moment. On that dark day, I was suffering and hurting inside. Then it only took a pure reflection to heal the pain inside. After I recovered, the greatest revelation of my life was presented before me. That alone saved me from internal destruction.

Once I fell in love with someone: a girl, I was strongly attracted to back in Middle School. She became an immediate obsession. Every single day in my mind, she was present. Sometimes it felt like she was always around me. It felt good seeing her all the time. I loved having dreams of me and her having a future together. Part of me begged the universe to deliver her to me as my own. These feelings I'd developed for her really changed me. However, in the long run, the changes to come weren't for the better. Very soon, I was going to realize what I'd bring upon myself.

I spent a year trying to gain her attention. The problem though, was developing the courage to personally confront her about my feelings. During this time, I was scared and feared possible rejection. This outcome felt inevitable. The only thing I could do was admire her from a distance. She truly is a beautiful woman. It is hard not to resist her eyes or her curly hair. She earned the right to be called one of the most irresistible people in the world. Despite all my efforts, some small part of my soul knew she could never be mine. Yet, I refused to stop dreaming and admiring her physical form.

The following year began my downward spiral. I was very excited to possibly see that girl again during High School. The possibilities of having her in one of my classes intrigued me. Even though she could never be mine, it felt like a privilege to admire her. Then all it took was one killing moment to end my obsession. She had another person in her life. Seeing her lips touch, another man felt like a bullet hitting my heart. My soul transformed into shattered glass. I fell apart in many pieces scattered across the floor. For months I didn't think there would be a recovery time for me. So I continued to die inside.

I was angry, sad, and destroyed inside. I hated myself during those dark days. Every day it hurt seeing her with someone else after a yearly obsession that felt equal to a lifetime desire. I made a mistake and promised to never get heartbroken again. I refuse to feel another bullet target me a second time. I thought to myself if there was a way out of this dark prison, I've been trapped in. That is when I decided to stand and reflect.

Looking at myself, I asked, "Even if" many times. Even if she and I were to be together, would it have lasted? Could there have been a future for us both? Would it be worth it in the long run? Is this what I truly want in life? All those questions burned inside me, seeking an answer. Part of me had already figured out the answers. I thought hard and carefully to reach my final conclusion. I was better off not having her or anyone else that may come off attractive. This revelation led me to see the light and crawl out of the darkness.

I finally understood many things during this moment. My feelings for this girl was a lie. It always had been, but I was too blind by my obsession to see it. I was wrong falling for her. I should have known better. But the benefit to that pain I felt allowed me to see that what I needed all along was me. I saved myself from the hurt. Now I am healing inside, standing proud knowing that I was more influential on my own. That will never change.