Just What I Needed

July 31

Dear Nicholas,

I'm so nervous I can hardly breathe. I hyperventilated in the car all the way up here. I can't believe I am going to be stepping on the platform again. Everyone is here – Holly, Kari, Jeffries and Rodriguez, Nate, his aunt and uncle, and dad.

Dad says to just do my best, whatever that is today. I hope that whatever my best is today makes you and mom proud. Please watch over me today. I could use your coaching from above.

Love your sick with nervousness sister,

Jordy

The entire day felt like an out of body experience, I could barely process what was happening. Part of it was that my dad and I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to drive into Boston for the competition. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink until I had completed weigh-ins at 8 am. From there on out it was a whirlwind of warming up and refuelling.

All I know was that when I peeked out from behind the curtain and saw the crowd sitting in front of the platform, it gave me such an adrenaline rush. Although Nate wasn't here to see me, I could feel him in the crowd. 

"Next up, Jordan MacKenzie," I heard the announcer call over the loud speaker.

My stomach was in knots as I walked up onto the platform. 

The room around me was silent except for one random person clearing their throat in the bleachers. 

This is what I trained for. I stepped up to the loaded barbell and took a deep breath all the way down into my belly, where I could feel my torso pressure press into my weighlifting belt. Gripping the knurled barbell first with my right hand and then with my left as was my routine, I bent me knees to get into my position. Lowering my back, I adjusted my grip tighter and with one more deep inhale, I ripped the bar upwards to my hips and swung my arms up and locked them into place. I easily stood up under the weight of the bar. Hearing the beep indicating it was a good lift, I dropped the bar down in front of me and ran back off the platform, where I was greeted by my dad.

Immediately I burst into tears. I still have five lifts to do that day but just being back here, having the courage to step onto the platform, was an accomplishment in itself. 

My dad hugged me and just let me cry it out back in our warm up area. 

"Use that feeling, Jordy, ok? Use all of the pain you have in your lifts, you got it?"

I nodded. 

The rest of the day flew by in a blur. I completed every single one of my lifts without pain and finished the meet in fourth place. It didn't matter that I didn't get on the podium. It mattered that I showed up and I did as best I could.

Just showing up was honoring and respecting my supporters. It would have been easy to sit at home and continue being sullen but I realize now that it was more courageous to do this. I put my feet on the ground each morning and baby step by baby step, I did something each day, even if it was walking to the park or mopping the bowling alley floors.

When I thought I was hiding in the bowling alley, I found a friend in Barb. \When I thought I was hiding in the shed, I found a connection with Nate. And when I thought I was pushing away Holly and Kari... well, ok, I was pushing them away. But Holly was stubborn enough to stick with me and I'm glad she did.

The car crash left a giant hole in my life and I will always be wishing for just one more day to spend with my mom and Nicky, but I now realize that wasting the time that I still have left wouldn't honor them. I am a living survivor. It is my job to make them proud. To make their legacy mean something.

The competition wasn't nearly the scariest part of the summer though. I knew that the day after the competition was going to be Nate's last day in town. 

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What do you think about Jordan's fourth place finish at the competition?