The Silver Seer

Chapter 23: Trust & Betrayal

I quietly sit still on a bench in the washroom, looking down at the white tile floor. Thilo stands behind me, and I can feel him running his hands through my hair.

He's reapplying black dye to hide my original blond hair color- I had decided to just change the color of my hair in the hopes that would deter any suspicions later down the line of me being the Grand Marshal of the Russian Federation's son if news of my escape ever reached Germany or Russia ever accused them of kidnapping me.

Up until just a few days ago, it worked. But now that my father knows my new appearance and even my new name, I only have Thilo reapply the dye to help reaffirm to my other officers and even myself that I am Felix Adelric, Army General of Switzerland. My life belongs to this nation- I will never surrender to Russia and satisfy my father's wishes to use me as his tool again, even if his promise at the (failed) peace conference was sincere.

"Hey Felix, could I, uh, ask you a...personal question?" Thilo's voice comes to my ears, and I slowly sit up, wondering what he could possibly want to know from me.

He already knows what I'm keeping from most of my officers: my past. My origins. If they knew of that, they would never see me in the same light again. The names I'd be called and the ridicule I would face would be beyond embarrassing- dare I say worse than what I heard after Forchheim during the protests surrounding my promotion.

I push my doubts away and reply. "Sure. Ask away."

There is a bit of silence before Thilo clears his throat. "When I was undressing you in Basel-Landschaft after all that stuff with the helicopter crash and waking up in Hans' house happened, I noticed something seemed a little...off about the lower half of your body. Is...er...everything alright down there?"

I frown and look down at my feet. I wiggle my toes from within my boots. They're okay. My feet and ankles are alright. Calves, knees, and thighs all work, as well as-

Oh. Oh...

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before speaking. I don't want to spend too much time thinking about the pain I was in at that moment and the realizations that dawned on me when I became older. "Yes. Everything is fine."

"I'm glad to hear that, but I'm not referring to injuries down there. Do you-"

"No." I cut Thilo off, knowing full well what he's asking.

"I'm...sorry. Was it your father's doing?" I nod at Thilo's speculation, and I hear him give out a sigh in the surrounding silence.

"It happened a long time ago. I rarely think about it now." I try to lighten the guilt Thilo must be feeling, yet I don't believe my choice of words did very much, if anything at all.

"Well, do you want children? Little Adelrics running around one day?" Thilo tries to adjust his voice to fit the topic, yet it only throws me deeper into the pain and suffering I continued to feel.

"No."

"No? Like, not ever?"

"No. I can't have children."

"What? Nonsense! Of course you ca-"

Silence. Again. This time, I do not cut Thilo off- he stops himself. I break it before I begin to think any further about the subject.

"They're both gone- emasculation. Between the time when my father first suspected I had been keeping deaths from him when I told him I wasn't, to my mother's suicide, it happened. He told me 'fantasies of love and affection are unfit for a boy like you. If you're going to let soldiers die, you may as well give your children the exact same fate. That reputation is unfitting for both you and I.' The realization of what he actually did to me didn't hit me until Germany. Even if I could, I wouldn't want children. I don't want them going through what I had to." I explain what I can recall from seven years ago, and there is another long stretch of silence.