The Silver Seer

Chapter 15: If You'll Stay With Me

I cannot remember much from when Hans kicked me in the head after my vision of Thilo's conversation with General Heilewis. But I do know I was blindfolded, unable to speak, and unable to move. I was in and out of consciousness.

But I do remember one thing. A field. A field filled with blue cornflowers- Germany's national flower. I had walked through the field, and when I looked back to see the cornflowers I crushed under my white boots, there was no trail left- they didn't change in the slightest.

Turning my head to face the horizon before me, I could see a figure, though I couldn't recognize who it was. The closer I got, the single figure became two. And finally, three. But I could now recognize them and recall their names.

Long blonde hair, gentle blue eyes, and the same white dress she was wearing the day she died. Anastasia, my mother.

Brown hair, hazel eyes, and that playful smile. Thilo. I wonder how he's healing and if he knows where I am.

The last figure I stare at for the longest time. Blond hair, blue eyes, and an unforgettable black uniform. Myself. Or, is it more apt to say Rodion? We are two completely different people, he and I. Different lives, different experiences, and certainly different ways of serving the nation we protect.

"You can't keep up this facade much longer, Felix. Soon everyone will know who you really are, and come to despise you and curse your very name. Then you will have no choice but to come back to Russia, where you will be welcomed back with open arms and celebrated as a hero." Rodion speaks to me, letting his left hand- cold as ice- touch my left cheek, causing me to recoil and shiver.

"Your father misses you dearly. Was my death in vain? All I wished was for you to live a life full of happiness and love- I can see you are suffering in Switzerland. Go back home and delight in whatever your father has planned for you. I'm positive he's changed from the man he was seven years ago." My mother's voice is soft, yet it does not change the meaning of the words she speaks.

Desperate now for any kind of affirmation to stay where I am, I look at Thilo. I'm shaking- I want him to tell me that I don't have to go back. That everything will be okay. This war will hurt all of us, but Switzerland will prevail at the end of it all. Even if it's a lie.

But he just looks at me, the smile gracing his lips disappearing. "I fought for your promotion not because I thought you deserved it, but because it would make you vulnerable and an easy target for the Russians to take back. You would be so sick and tired of drills, orders, bloodshed, and death that you would give up and surrender yourself to Russia. Think about it- that's all your father wants. You. If he gets Felix, he'll make you into Rodion again. If he gets Rodion, he'll put you in a respectable position far better than that white room you were trapped in. Go back. For Switzerland, Germany, and Russia's sake. For the officers, soldiers, and civilians. For me. For you."

I cannot summon any words to speak- I'm not even sure if I can speak if I wanted to. All I find myself able to do is fall to my knees, cover my ears, and squeeze my eyes shut. I want this all to be over. I want to die if it means these voices and these nightmares stop. I don't want to go back to Russia.

I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back.

Finally, I scream.

I don't want to go back!

Gasping and bolting forward, my eyes snap open to meet darkness broken by soft moonlight. For a moment, I believe I am back in Hans' house. Will I be fed more drugged soup by Anna who is far smarter than she makes herself out to be? Asked more questions by Ingrid despite my clear disinterest? Or abused by Hans, who I thought had my back, time and time again, only to end up betraying me? Just like Kazimir with Reko.