Kayo | 18+

34: missing you

Sasha

I had the best sleep of my life. When I woke up, I had completely forgotten I was in the bed with Everleigh until I got a whiff of her vanilla scent. Throughout the night, I wasn't sure how, but I ended up with my head on her chest and my arms around her waist. I was never much of a cuddler, but if anyone walked in at this very moment, they'd beg to differ.

Her breast were soft—like a perfect pillow I never wanted to lift my head from. Despite how full they were, I could still make out the sound of her heartbeat.

My entire body was sore. I only flexed my quadriceps to feel the excruciating pain that came along with it. There was no way in hell I was going to the gym today. I just needed to stay right where I was, my head nestled in Everleigh's breast. The thought made me chuckle.

Right on cue, my phone began to ring. It was placed on the night stand, probably from Everleigh. I sat up and reached across her, grabbing my phone. The contact made me want to roll my eyes; Nikolai. What a way to end an almost perfect morning?

I hesitated, glancing at Everleigh to make sure she's asleep. I sat up and pressed the phone against my ear shortly after accepting the call.

"Sasha..." Nikolai's panicked voice immediately grasped my attention. My heartbeat quickened almost immediately.

"What?" I asked panickedly.

"It's Dimitri..." he said. "I can't find him. I looked everywhere, I called everyone and no one knows where he is... He's been- like- talking crazy. Like how the world doesn't even need him. How no one needs him."

I could feel my heartbeat pumping away in my very own ears. My little brother.

"You had one fucking job, Nikolai!" I yelled into the phone.

"Don't do this shit! You're the older brother, where the fuck are you?" Nikolai responded with just as much anger and aggression.

"Go to hell," I seethed just before hanging up the phone.

"Fuck!" I shouted, shoving my phone into my pocket. Suddenly, all the soreness I felt in my body had disappeared as I grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a shirt.

"Sasha?" Everleigh's quiet voice called from the bed. I glanced over at her to see her leaning against the bed frame with her brows pulled tight together. The fullness of her lips did nothing to hide the evident frown on her face.

"What?" I snapped.

Her frown deepened and her brows furrowed just before she began to soften. "What's wrong?"

I could tell there was an internal battle raging within her just like there was one within me. Her mind just had to be contemplating whether to leave or stay, while mine couldn't help but figure out the same.

"Come on," I said with a heavy sigh. She slid the blanket off her body and reluctantly stood up from the bed. Her hair was a frizzy mess, except for the neat braid she had in the back of her head.

"Is it urgent?" she wondered, immediately going to undo the braid.

"I'll meet you in the car," I told her. She hurried into the bathroom skeptically while I left the room. My fists were clenching then unclenching. I could still feel the extra beat of my heart.

Dimitri, Dimitri, Dimitri... my baby brother. I had always viewed him as the innocent one. The one that had no clue of our trauma. He was like a clean slate—a pure white dandelion that was now blowing in the wind piece by piece, transforming what was once whole into nothing but a speck on a ground. Was it all my fault? It seemed as though, despite having no recollection of the things we had to endure to get to where we are today, he was the most damaged. I couldn't make it make sense when all I ever wanted was to protect him.

If I had to choose the way my life looked, it would be far from my reality. If I could change the past and transform it into something where I didn't have to raise my fists to fight demons, I would. But most importantly, if I could change the way my brothers viewed the world in all it's unfair glory, I would move at the speed of light and do it for them without hesitation, even if it were to cost me my life. I would. And that was what none of them understood. I tried.

I still try.

After getting into my car, I slammed the door shut. Through the course of my childhood memories, there were two places Dimitri loved to go to be alone. My fingers tingled as my gut churned almost like it were brotherly instinct the way I knew exactly where he was. I only hoped he wasn't there.

I told no one this, but the last time I caught him at the creek near the house I grew up in. He was standing on the edge of a cliff. It looked like he had been crying and he was singing a song in Russian. I thought he was going to jump, but something told me he wouldn't. So, I stood in the shadows to watch as he backed from the cliff, fell to his knees, and sobbed. The worst part was that he was only seven years old. I should've said something, but I didn't. I should've hugged him, but I couldn't.

I was a coward.

In my dazed mind, I could make out Everleigh making her way toward my car. Her face was scrunched up as she placed her hand face-down over her brows to block the bright sun from disrupting her vision. I reached over and pushed open the door for her. She didn't hesitate to get in the car and buckle her seatbelt. Tension flooded the car.

There was war raging in my mind again. I didn't know if I should be truthful or not. I didn't know if it was for the best to tell her everything, or to keep it in until it was forced to come out.

I looked at her—focusing on her almond eyes and naturally curled eyelashes that always managed to feather the top of her eyelids as she stared at me. The dark brown of eyes were kissed by the sun and held a glow that just seemed so innocent—so pure. They were pools of pure honey that was just pulled from the nectar of a vibrant sunflower by a bee. Her face reminded me of summer as the brown of her skin made gold seem to have no value. Not to mention her full lips. My favorite part was how her top lip was slightly darker than her bottom one. They always managed to look so plump and soft, and every time I looked at it, all I could remember was feeling her lips against own. It was so easy for her to erase all the anger and guilt I felt with just a simple glance. My heartbeat slowed and hands unclenched.

"Are you okay, Sasha?" she asked.

No. "Yes."

How easily I could've unfolded and revealed everything. I could tell her what she meant to me and how I was starting to feel like the world finally blessed me with something. I could say that nothing is as good as it seems and I'm a horrible brother for only trying to be the best one. I could say I'm a horrible friend and I'd make an even more horrible partner for only trying to be good. But of course, it was never that easy for me. For if I explained everything to everyone, I would be left with nothing. For being a good person, I would only be looked at as a villain. I would never be blessed because from the moment I was born, I've only been cursed. This too, will be a curse.

"You sure?" she asked me.

I turned back to the view out in front of me. It will be a curse.

And with that, I took off to go find Dimitri.

—

I know it's been a while but I'm going to try to get back into this slowly but surely. I'm not sure if anyone is even still interested in this story, but I miss writing and I miss you guys. It's been almost a year so I've kinda grown past a lot of my writing. However, I do plan on finishing my works before trying to introduce new projects.

Love you all! Glad to be back!