collection of me being a silly goose (poetry)

door

tw: suicidal themes

I don't really know when the door started to shut.
I didn't think it could. It'd have to had scraped the floor to even budge.
And so it did.
Its microscopic movements that began its shutting were abrupt and unpredictable, too few to be perceived as motion.
The soft scraping of the floor beneath the door was drowned out by childhood's frivolous tune.
I was happy then. The door was open, wasn't it? Its light mine to bask within.

Whenever this inching occured, it sent scant needles of pain,
Untraceable amidst the warmth of the light emanating from the door,
Far too scarce and few to ever pain me. Then.

Over years, the imperceptible, insidious budging of the door had rendered its position ajar.
Selfishly, I believed, the door hid away its? my? light.
Hence, heat that once made the pain of the periodic prickling numb was no longer provided.
The needles had metamorphosed into hammers - onto the heads of them were engravings of the dreams I had when I could see.
As the hammers stuck me, my cries became the beat of a song I was forced to sing:
A melody of memories, misery, mystery.
Regrets of the past and the bliss of carefree youth.
Of what could come.

The door is still shutting.
The hammers are still hitting me, mocking me.
I can see the light but I can't feel it and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
For it all to stop, I must shut the door.
It has been stuck ever so slightly ajar, revealing a slither of light I can't accept.
I must slam the door shut.
For I can't believe I can open it.
Not when I am cold and hurt and in darkness.

Please, self, let me close the door.

(like self as in me bc im silly and wont let it close hahahaba imaginr having to explain a suicide note (lie im too much of a coward to kms rn) could not be me)

haha quality was thrown out of the fucking window in the second half or so of the poem but im too sleepy schnoor mimimi i would have never came back to it and fixed it anyway so wtv and uh yeah wtv its all wtb in tbe end i cant do this anymore ong

please take care !

written 07 sep 2023! a day before my birthday

a/n 10/2/24: idk how much of this i wanna say publicly but i really felt like i would kill myself within that week. honestly kinda mid as a final poem but im glad it something i can look back on, something to make me remember my mental state back then