My Heart

And You're Not To Blame

Santa Monica, California
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
(6:30 pm)
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"Are you going to tell me, Stevie, or are you going to make me play Twenty Questions?"

Karen sat on the edge of Stevie's bed, trying not to get dizzy as she watched the woman who had been her boss and friend for thirty years toss one seemingly identical black blouse after another onto the floor just outside her open closet. Sulamith, dressed in a blue cashmere sweater and matching bow on her little dog head, was in heaven, spinning around and scratching at the growing pile of black chiffon and all smelled like her mom. Stevie turned around at the closet door, a black blouse with cut-out shoulders held up against her torso in a mock try-on.

"What are you talking about?" Stevie's face screwed up in confusion, her eyes narrowing. She turned back to the mirror attached to the closet door then, extending a leg as if that subtle change would enhance her view in the mirror.

"Um, the fact that you own about three hundred black tops and yet none of them are good enough, apparently, to wear because Lindsey is coming over." Karen swung her legs around to the side of the bed to lean in closer to Stevie, who tossed the blouse in her hand onto the pile, narrowly missing the dog on top of it.

"That's not what I'm doing, Karen," Stevie said, diving back into the closet. She wore a Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers t-shirt with black leggings and slippers, her hair arranged in a high ponytail that made her appear decades younger than sixty-two.

"Then what are you doing? You've been wearing the same exact outfit since 1997, Stevie. Pick a top and roll with it!" Karen giggled at Stevie, who was shaking her head and sticking her tongue out in humor, knowing what Karen had said was true. When the laughter stopped, Karen added, "Lindsey has seen you dressed in all kinds of ways...and not dressed in all kinds of ways...so what's the problem?"

Stevie had begun to lift her t-shirt at the hem to remove it when Karen said that, and the sudden stricken expression on her face took Karen by surprise. "There's no problem, Karen. Leave me alone, okay? Go downstairs and see how Kellianne is making out with dinner." Stevie's good friend Mary had named Stevie godmother to her daughter Kellianne when she was a baby, and Kellianne was now thirty-eight and living in the loft apartment above the house. She had begun the ritual of cooking dinner for everyone since Dave had begun to come over to work on the album, and every night at seven, the entire group broke for dinner and sat around the table, exchanging ideas. Stevie had been saying it reminded her of Paris in the Roaring Twenties.

"I'm sorry! Jeez!" Karen rose from the bed, throwing her hands up in frustrated surrender. "I'm just saying you're putting a lot of thought into your outfit and the only thing different tonight is that Lindsey is going to be here...so pardon me for noticing if you're a little unglued!"

Stevie had taken off her t-shirt and was standing before Karen in her bra, wagging her balled-up shirt at her. "I am not unglued! I'm sixty-two and trying to look decent on camera, for crying out loud! You know Dave's going to film the hell out of this...the big Buckingham Nicks moment. I want to look as good as I can tonight."

"Stevie..." Karen knew she was stepping into dangerous waters as she approached Stevie slowly, drawing up next to her as she slid into a black blouse that was almost identical to all she had discarded moments before. "You know, it's okay if you're nervous or freaked out about Lindsey being here, but...it's just that it seems more than usual, you know? In fact, you've been really touchy about any mention of Lindsey since we got home from tour last year. Did anything happen on tour? Did you guys get into it again? Was there a fight I missed?"

"No...there was no fight." Stevie suddenly looked as though she were drawing further into herself, like she was trying to make herself smaller. After thirty years, Karen knew that meant she was uneasy about something.

"Well, what then? Do I need to kick his ass? Was he mean to you?" Watching Stevie's acute uneasiness, Karen attempted to lighten the mood.

"He wasn't." Stevie looked down at the floor. Sulamith was happily lying on the black cloth pile, her head hanging off to the side. She'd begun to snore. "Please just let it go, Karen. He wasn't mean and there was no fight, okay? Please just leave it at that."

Karen took a step back. She watched as Stevie continued to stare at the floor as if it contained the meaning of life, and after a moment of the loudest silence they'd ever had between them, Karen's eyes widened as she suddenly understood.

"Stevie..." She moved closer towards her. "If it wasn't a fight...was it...you know, like...the opposite?"

Stevie looked up, and two sets of wide brown eyes connected in a way that only two people who'd spent nearly every day and night together for three decades could understand. In a small, almost frightened voice, Stevie said, "Karen, I swear to God, not a soul in the world knows, understand? Not my mother, not Christine, not Sharon or Lori or anyone else, okay? So you forget you know what you know!"

Karen's brain was suddenly on fire with questions, but she knew she had to ask them carefully and with limits. She dared herself to ask, "Was it, like, a whole thing or was it just a one-night stand or...?"

"Do you remember the night we were in San Jose and Lindsey and I met up with the Fritz guys?" She watched Karen nod. "We had dinner, we had drinks, we had a few more drinks...and then we promised to never tell another living soul that we did what we did. The next morning we parted ways and we checked out and went to the next gig...and that was that."

"And you're okay with that?" Karen searched Stevie's eyes for answers and found none. "He's got a wife and three kids, Stevie!"

"Jesus, Karen, don't you think I know that?" Stevie folded her arms in anger. "Or have you forgotten the plane back to Phoenix in 1997?"

Stevie did not need to elaborate and they both knew it. Karen had sat by Stevie's side in December 1997 in a first class seat while she'd stared vacantly out the window of the plane for the entire flight through dark sunglasses that did little to hide the quiet tears that fell as she'd thought of saying goodbye to Lindsey in Maryland and telling him to be with the woman carrying his child.

"I'm sorry," Karen said, reaching out and touching Stevie's arm. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I know." Stevie relaxed then, taking Karen's hand. "I'm sorry I barked at you. It was a dumb thing to do and we knew right away it was wrong...which is why when he gets here, you're going to act normal and forget this whole conversation ever happened."

"I will...I promise." Karen reached out to hug Stevie, and Stevie returned her embrace. "Your secret is safe with me...they always are."

Stevie was laughing at that last part as she pulled away, and Karen laughed along nervously. "Thank you, Karen," said Stevie. "I love you."

"I love you too." Karen smiled. "Now I am going downstairs to check on Kellianne."

Karen left Stevie in the bedroom, where she was already turning back to the mirror to check on her outfit again. She undid her ponytail and shook loose her long, flowing blonde hair, knowing that Karen would keep her secret.

The only challenge now, she thought, was trying to forget about that night herself.

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