Balls [5sos ot4]

hard balls

Ashton's pov:

I notice the way that Luke's voice breaks and the way his eyes avoid looking straight into mine afterwards. It's also hard not to notice the way Calum takes a deep breath in, and holds it. They're nervous.

I don't know why we've all gone silent, or why Luke appears like he's about to cry. He looks up towards the ceiling and blinks a few times, trying to stop himself from letting any tears fall.

I don't want Luke to cry.

I don't want Calum to be scared.

I don't want--Looking up at Michael, I can't tell what he's feeling. He has a blank look on his face and he shows no emotion whatsoever. I hate it when he does that, he knows I do. I like being able to tell what people are feeling. If I can't, it's as if there's a barrier between us, as if I know nothing about the person. Obviously, I know a lot about Michael; he's my boyfriend. But still. I hate it.

"So, uh, does anyone want anything to eat?" I ask cautiously, breaking the silence. I decide not to cause another argument or fallout by asking why everyone is acting weird. Only a few hours ago, Michael and I made up. Our relationship can't deal with having to do it all again. Everything will be dealt with later.

"There's nothing to eat, I checked. We should have bought stuff when we were out, sorry." Luke still doesn't look at me as he replies. Is he angry? Guilty?

"That's fine!" I say. "We can go out to eat and then buy some food after?"

Everyone replies with either a nod or a small "sure". I think it was Calum who said that. I frown. Nobody seems to be very cheerful which just settles my suspision about something being wrong.

Well, fuck. Can't wait to sort this out.

~

We get to the café with little fans stopping us on the walk there. I was happy about that. Especially when we're not in the best of moods, meeting people can be tiring even if we do love talking to them. I don't think some people understand how hard it can be sometimes. Everyone has those days where they find everything annoying, where they just want to disappear. Those days, even talking to people can be exhausting but we try our hardest to always be kind towards fans. Hopefully some will recognise that.

We get two pieces of cake between us to share as the slices are pretty huge. Coffee cake and chocolate cake. There isn't any Sprite so we just go with the jug of water and glasses sitting on a table near the till. Thankfully there's ice to go with it because boy, is it getting hot here. There isn't anything I hate more than heat. Well... you know what I mean.

"So I got my first T shot," I begin, "I'm excited, you know. I've been waiting for this for years and it's finally happening." Seeing all of my best friends, my lovers (to be exact), looking genuinely happy for me feels great. They understand how much this means to me, they understand and they love me for who I am. I love that.

"Ash, this is great. Honestly I'm so excited for you." Calum beams. They take my hands in theirs and hold mine tightly. I feel safe like that. Other people's closeness is comforting.

"You're gonna have a deep, raspy voice, Ash. Good for sex." I blush and giggle quietly. Of course Michael says that. I don't think he fully understands what happens when you take testosterone, I probably won't have that deep of a voice but I decide not to tell him that.

It would be nice if I could though. I'd like to be able to suddenly change into the body that I want, suddenly become who I really am. I'd like to be able to at least have surgery without being left with huge scars or, as I said, at least sound a little more manly. But of course life isn't as fair as that. Life doesn't make it possible for me to do everything that I want to do.

I become aware of the fact that everyone is laughing and talking together. Everything is okay for now, nobody looks anxious or upset, nobody is arguing. I like it that way, where we can laugh freely together and--believe it or not--Michael does start really deep conversations. He likes to talk about how he doesn't understand the world and space in general (who does?) and how he feels about people who can't accept others. He goes on rants about how life is too short to hate. How everyone should just be nice for once. Listening to him talk can be pretty interesting when you're in the mood to listen to someone's rambles. I'm rambling now.

After eating at the café and talking for a while, we go to the nearest shop to get some food. Luke was right when he said that there was nothing to eat, we haven't been shopping in ages.

We all walk down the aisle with all the boring stuff, which in other words, is the place where they keep cold food. Luke tries to remind us that we should always do that section last but nobody listens. Calum takes out milk, butter, and bottles of water. Of course, Luke starts lecturing us on the cons of buying bottled water like he does every single time. We don't listen to that either.

Obviously we get the essentials like fruit and vegetables, bread, vegemite, cereal and cheese. Michael also throws in a few packets of gum to go in the cart. I don't like the strawberry flavoured ones so we always buy mint for me too. At the checkout, I pay and we all take some bags.

~

Back at the house, it's about 9:30. Calum and Luke have already gone to bed, they're both really tired. Me and Michael stay in the living room watching a TV programme that I don't even know the name of. It's not that great. I'm not concentrating on the storyline but it's something about a girl who goes missing and the police trying to find her. The usual type of crime show that never makes any sense. Michael isn't paying any attention either. I can see him out of the corner of my eye, looking at me every five minutes. He stops doing that and coughs, trying to get me to notice him.

"Ash. Do you know who it is?" He blurts out, making me face him quickly.

"What? Who?" I question, confused.

"The person that Luke...that Luke had sex with that night. Do you know who it is?" He asks again in a more frustrated tone than before.

"No, Michael. Should I?"

He sighs, as if he's fed up. "No," he replies, getting up and walking through to the bathroom.

Oh.

Hey. I hope you like this pile of crap. Thank you to larrylashtonxx for commenting nice things that made me want to write.