Balls [5sos ot4]

excited balls

Ashton's pov:

Of course I'm angry at Luke. He slept with another guy. But more than anything I know that he needs comforting. Luke is asexual, sometimes he likes to make it clear that he would never, ever like to have sex with anyone which means he obviously had a lot to drink last night. Either that or he was feeling bad about his sexuality again. Other times he tells me how he feels that he's broken, and begs me to show him how much he wants sex. I never do because inside I know that he doesn't want that. Maybe it was one of those nights.

Nevertheless, we hold him and tell him that it's going to be okay, he needs us.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

*a few weeks later*

I can't describe how excited I am. I can't even put my feelings into words right now, but I'll try. Maybe I should start with my story.

Ever since I was 13, I've wanted to go on testosterone. I've been through so much to start my transition and in only three weeks I'll be able to do just that. Three weeks until I can start feeling happy with the way I am.

Lot's of people always talk about how they knew they were different from a young age, but it wasn't like that for me. I was just a normal, happy, young girl who loved playing imaginary games with her best friends. We would pretend to be princesses with magical powers and gleaming white castles made out of diamonds. Or we would play dress up with our nurse costumes and pretend to give each other surgeries--I liked those games the most.

Except for the fact that I liked pretending to be a boy while in the bath, there was nothing that would have made anyone think I was transgender.

I was never a very popular or confident kid. For some reason I always hated my body, hated the way I looked. When puberty started it was hard. It didn't feel right to grow breasts and start my period. I would watch the boys play football at break time and long to be with them, I wanted to fit in with them. Be one of them. I would end up in tears just looking at them, because that's what I wanted to look like, not a girl with a feminine face, long curly hair and wide hips.

When I found out what the word transgender meant, everything seemed to make sense to me. The endless hours looking in the mirror and trying to make my chest look flat, looking at teenage boys and having that sinking feeling when I thought I'd never be able to be like them. It all made sense and finally, I was able to know that how I felt was normal.

Since then, since coming out to my family as trans and pansexual, I've wanted to go on testosterone. Seven years later, here I am.

I've just come out of the last session to build up to starting T. I finished answering some questions about my past and my family. Now I just have to wait three weeks.

Of course I would have started much earlier if it wasn't for the band becoming very famous and going on long tours around the world. Hell, I would be quite a few years into my transition but I honestly wouldn't ask for things to be any different. The fans are all so supportive about it, the people who are not, aren't real fans.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I walk in the front door with a huge smile on my face, and Calum can see that.

"How did it go Ash?" they ask curiously.

My smile gets wider, if that's even possible. "Well... " I say, "I'm kinda going to start testosterone in three weeks. Everything is done Cal, it's finally happening."

I hear Luke scream excitedly from where he's sitting on the sofa before I'm being tackled to the floor by my three lovers all trying to hug me at once. These are my favourite types of hugs, all four of us together.

"I'm so happy for you Ashton this is great!" Michael squeals.

"You're our handsome boy and we love you," Luke adds.

Gosh I really do love these guys. I have no idea what I would do without them. My family aren't really too excepting. They still use my birth name and female pronouns but it's not too bad as I hardly ever see them.

Calum is agender so they understand what I go through. They know how tough it is to have to deal with dysphoria, so we help each other with that. We all respect each other's pronouns and it's one of the best feelings ever to be living with people who do so.

Also, Luke helps me a lot with anxiety. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder at the age of 16, which sucks because I often have to perform in front of thousands of fans and end up having panic attacks before hand. I try not to let it stop me from doing the things I've always dreamt of doing, and having Luke to help me through it helps a lot. Sure, he can't make it go away, but having the support of someone who understands me is key.

We stay like that for ten minutes, all wrapped up in each other's warmth.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

To celebrate we order pizza, which by the way is extremely good. Obviously, it was Michael's idea to get pizza.

At this moment in time, I am truly content with the way that my life is going. I'm happy with the way that I'm moving forward.

A/N: Okay wow that took ages to write, but it's still really short sorry. Hope you like it (((((: Also yes i do have experience with being trans, just like we both know what being pan etc is like. But please, if we get anything wrong then just tell us x