Destroyer - Chris Evans

Good call, mate.

Chris' POV

Today was good. A good day. Despite me being kind of mad on behalf of Iris, for what she had to endure with Brad. I won't do anything, even though I'm tempted. I want her to trust me, and I am very happy she finally confided in me. Yes, I did have to drag it out of her, but at least she told me. So, I am happy I went with her. Even though I hated having to sit in the car and just watch them. Observe the disgusting expression on his face. He seemed angry, annoyed even. I could tell he didn't like the fact that I was there, which kind of amused me in the middle of my irritation. When he grabbed hold of her... it took every ounce of self-control I possessed not to lose my cool, but steadily step out of the car. The self-control I radiated today astonishes me.

I'm amazed though, that I never knew that Iris didn't move in with him. It's no secret that I despised the guy. In fact, I couldn't stand him, so the only reason I tried to tolerate him was for her. When I took that role and moved to Brazil, the last I knew, they were about to move in together. It was another reason for me to create some distance between us. This revelation was frustrating and hard to swallow. I knew I couldn't stand in the way of her happiness, and they were about to build their life together. Besides, even though I disliked him, I had to admit that Brad was one of the better guys to come into Iris' life. She kind of had a habit for picking the wrong guys, and Brad was a better one. Still, I couldn't bring myself to like him.

To be honest, it was a relief to finally be in Brazil, far away from it all. I was on the verge of losing it when I arrived there. Chris Hemsworth, one of my cast-mates, quickly sensed something was off. He recognized it since we already knew each other very well. He was the first one I confided in. I shared all the new, confusing feelings that had stirred within me, including how I'd started to feel about Iris. I laid everything bare, even though I was still unsure what this meant myself. I was clear about believing that I was just being delusional and that I was merely lonely. Chris and the other cast-mates that I got to know over there, advised me to get some distance. They thought it would be good for me to be so far away, until it all blew over. Until I could gather myself a bit and clear my head.
I was actually kind of stoked, ready to have the time of my life in Brazil, partying every chance I got and fucking the hottest girls around. I wasn't even ashamed; I'd always been a playboy when I wasn't in a relationship. While I tried... I really tried. I just couldn't bring myself to be with anyone. Same problem as before Brazil. Even in the midst of my despair, I simply didn't want anyone. One of my co-stars were obviously into me, which the others encouraged me to pursue. And don't get me wrong – she was hot. Crazy hot, with an amazing body. I shouldn't have tried with her, seeing as I already knew I wasn't interested, but unfortunately, I did. Thing was, I couldn't perform. I know, embarrassing. That had never, in my life, been a problem. I was in complete shock. I tried, trust me I tried. Though to begin with I kind of dodged it whenever she tried to kiss me. Looking back, she should've maybe taken the hint... I did kiss her back sometimes when I was drunk, but oh well. She was a lot more onto me than the opposite. I couldn't even get it up when she tried to give me a blowjob. I was genuinely sorry, which I told her, but she said not to worry. Then another time I was drunk we tried to have sex. You guessed it: couldn't get it up then either. So, I called it off. Some of the others teased me a bit about it, but at least Chris didn't.
I was very relieved she handled the situation so well though. Not every girl would be so understanding, but it didn't even get awkward between us. In hindsight, I'm glad I was drunk each time, at least it gave me an excuse. But all in all, this whole situation was another thing to add up to my misery, though. I confided in Chris, and he believed that it had to do with Iris, and would get better with time and distance. I did feel better later on during my stay in Brazil. There was a lot of partying and stuff, but no girls. I didn't dare to try, and truthfully, I didn't think much about it. I also started to feel more like myself again. Creating that distance from Iris seemed to be fading my confusion and my feelings for her, thankfully. Chris and my other cast-mates had been right all along. The thing is though, that while it worked when I was over there, everything came rushing back the moment I saw her again.

But yeah, back to now. Today was really good. After we our talk, we went out for some lunch. The mood a lot lighter than before. I put in my best effort to take her mind off things, cracking jokes and trying to bring a smile to her face. Later, we headed back to my place and watched a movie while eating some ice-cream. Her favorite flavor, which I always have in my freezer – cookie dough. We talked about high and low, and it truly felt like before, much to my relief. She finally had to head back home, since she has work tomorrow.
My mind is spinning as I get ready for bed. Sorting through all these thoughts is an impossible task. Every time I'm with her, I feel more alive. It feels right, like I'm who I'm supposed to be, the person I want to be. If we take aside the pot-smoking mistake yesterday. That's not who I want to be around her. But it was an act of anxiety, one I'm determined not to repeat. Apart from that, it feels as though she completes me. It's not so strange, considering our decade-long friendship. and never spent much time apart. From the moment we met it just felt natural, and our friendship grew stronger and deeper over the years.
Apart from acknowledging her beauty, I never once thought of her with a romantic interest. I knew that it would never happen and as the months turned into years, that conviction solidified. We were too important to each other to ever cross that line. I can't pinpoint when it changed, when I began to feel that undeniable pull towards her. All I know is that it is driving me insane. It is back now, stronger than ever. The pull towards her is overpowering. I need to find a way to push it aside. Get it out of my head.

As I'm lost in thoughts, my phone rings. It's Chris, calling on face-time.

A moment after I take the phone, his face appears. "Hey mate!" he smiles.

I chuckle, replying playfully, "Hi, mate."

"I was just wondering how things are going, with Iris and stuff."

"You know, the last few days have been great actually. Things are kind of back to how they used to be with Iris." I sigh, running a hand down my neck.

"Good to hear." Chris nods, before continuing with a raised brow, "But I sense there's more to it?"

I take a short breath, not knowing how to put it into words. "Yeah, you're right... It's a bit complicated, to be honest. The way I felt, that's come back..."

"Ah, mate, I see." Chris says understandingly. "How are you dealing?"

I sigh. "You know, Iris and Brad broke up a couple of months ago, and I had no idea. It feels awful because I wasn't there for her, trying to keep my distance, as you remember."

"That one's tough." Chris acknowledges.

I nod slowly, biting my bottom lip. "Yup. We did have a heartfelt talk today though, about her breakup. She's not mad at me either, not even after finding out I'm using again, to my relief. I promised her to quit, though, and that's going to be a struggle right now."

"Oh?" Chris frowns. "Harder than usual?"

"Yeah." I sigh, rubbing my forehead. "I know it's bad. I shouldn't use drugs as an escape, but... With everything going on - the anxiety and now this with Iris adding to the mix - I don't know how else to cope."

"I see." Chris seems to be thinking for a moment. "I didn't know you were struggling that much, I'm sorry, mate. But you know, it's a tough battle, but I'm sure you'll make it. I know you, if you just put your mind to it, it'll work out."

"Thanks, Chris." I give him a short smile, before my expression turns serious again. "I'm just... I don't know, it's all chaos in my head. I can manage with just the pot, I guess; it's calming enough. But sometimes, I feel the need to get away from myself, escape, you know."

Chris nods thoughtfully. "I do. But as you know, it's not a great way to deal..."

"I know." I sigh. "When the initial high wears off, I'm always in an even worse state, so I'll stay away, for now."

"Good call." Chris nods. "And hey, if you need to get away for a time, our door is always open, as you know."

"I really appreciate that, Chris, thank you."

We hang up, and I get to bed. Then I see a text from Scott. He's asking if I want to join going out to grab a couple of beers tomorrow. I say yes, knowing full well he has probably invited Iris as well. That is no problem of course, I hope she'll be there too. I have a lot to make up for to her, I'm never going to let myself off for not being there for her.