Destroyer - Chris Evans

Teaser

Chris' POV:

As soon as I gain consciousness, yesterday's drinking takes effect, my head hurting. It could have been worse though. At first, I'm confused as to why I'm lying on the sofa, still in my clothes. Then it dawns on me, and I instantly sit up, feeling the panic creeping in. Oh god... I had a complete breakdown. And Iris was here. I get to my feet and peek around the corner to see if she's still here, in the kitchen, maybe. She's not. She must've left after I fell asleep.

I drag myself to my bedroom, and into the bathroom. What I need now is a long and hot shower. I rip my clothes off, letting them drop to the floor, making the pile of clothes already present, even larger. Once I'm in the shower, even though I try not to let them, yesterday's events come crashing over me. God... That Iris had to deal with all of that, makes me so ashamed. I broke down completely. I don't cry very often, so that alone embarrasses me. What's worse is all of the things I said... I have to give Iris a call and tell her that I'm sorry, and thank her for being there. Considering how yesterday was, I'm not surprised by my breakdown; my thoughts and worries are still present even now, but it feels as part of the burden has been lifted off.

I'm kind of surprised that I'm not in the worst state today, considering my consummation of alcohol yesterday. God, I haven't been like that in forever. I started drinking before noon even. I was craving drugs so bad; it almost hollowed me out. Definitely a win that I didn't turn to anything other than alcohol. Once I woke up yesterday, everything from the night before struck me like a ton of bricks. I felt like throwing up just with the thought. I was ashamed, angry, worried, sad... all at once. I definitely shouldn't have tried to use Anna as an escape from my feelings for Iris. Especially considering that I knew I didn't want to. I didn't want her. It's hard to explain the disappointment I felt with myself, and still feel now. Angry too, but not just because of that. Also because I couldn't even manage to carry it out. I couldn't get it up, and I didn't even feel a twinge of excitement or arousal. I had hoped that being with someone else would serve as a distraction. That kissing someone else's lips would be good for me. Now... Now I knew. Knew that it was nothing compared to Iris. I would never feel again, like I did when kissing her. I only got that one kiss, and it was agonizing me, that I would never experience anything like that again. Then, as I had already started spiraling down, I started thinking about the fact that this meant that I would end up alone. If I couldn't bring myself to be with anyone for even one night, how would I ever be able to get in a relationship? With that, all of my mother's worries started spinning in my head again. The uncomfortable encounter at the dinner, the fact that she actually was worried that I would be forever a bachelor. I started panicking thinking about all the things I would not have, a family, a girl. Iris. All I wanted was to get high at this point, so... I started drinking. I tried to divert my thoughts throughout the day, but they kept piling up, overflowing me, until I couldn't contain it anymore and finally cracked. Which was when Iris was there.

I sigh, turning the water off. I need to call her, right now. Stepping out of the shower, I grow frustrated as I realize my phone isn't in the bathroom. After wrapping a towel around my waist, I walk out of my bathroom and through my bedroom looking for it. Just as I step into the hallway, I crash into something, startling me instantly. Not something, someone! Iris is as surprised as me, it seems. In the crash I manage to grab hold of her arms, just as much steadying myself as her.

"Oh god, Chris." She gasps, before gathering herself. "There you are."

"Sure am..." I breathe out, only now realizing that she has been here the entire time. My hands are still holding onto her upper arms, the touch burning under my fingers. I don't fail to notice Iris' eyes sliding down my body. Which makes me aware of my almost naked state, in only that towel. That has started to slip down... Quickly, I release her arms, grabbing onto it, before it exposes me entirely. "I... didn't know you were still here." I excuse myself, while tightening it.