Family away from family

Chapter 21. Is this a date?

24 august 2021

The day has come, Lucy and I are set to meet up to talk out everything. I have no clue what the outcome of the conversation will be, if I need to drive back down to London after the meet-up or if I can stay the night. It's all a grey area, that needs to be unraveled.

As I am driving my hands tremble on the steering wheel. I feel a mixture of nerves and anticipation within me. This conversation can be the turning point in our relationship, the moment when we either find a way to mend what's broken or face the painful reality that things might never be the same again. It's make-or-break.

Once I get closer to our house, I can't help but replay our relationship in my mind; the laughter, the shared dreams, the moments of deep connection. I hold onto the hope that love can overcome mistakes, that our bond is strong enough to weather this storm. I need us to overcome this storm.

Standing at our doorstep, I hesitate, not sure if I need to ring the bell or use my key? Which is insanity, really, I live here too. I choose the latter, walking through the hallway until her eyes immediately meet mine as I shut the door close behind me.

The tension hangs in the air, but I'm determined to face whatever comes next.

"Hey." I say softly, my voice betrays the mix of emotions present within me.

"Hey." She replies, her gaze steady yet guarded.

We sit in silence for a moment, the weight of our words hanging heavy between us. With a deep breath I begin to speak, laying my bare regrets, any reasons for what happened, my love for her and my sincere desire to make amends.

Lucy absorbs it all, her expression starts to soften as I share my heart. When I finally fall silent, she takes a moment before she speaks up. Her words are measured, her emotions raw, as she expresses her own feelings, fears and uncertainties.

"I needed time." She says, her eyes never leaving mine. "Time to understand, to process and to decide what's best for me, for us." She repeats the words Leah told me over a hundred times, over and over again.

I can only nod, understanding she needed space.

"But..." She continues, her voice wavering. "I also needed to confront my own feelings, Alix, what you did hurt me deeply. It shattered my trust and I've been struggling to figure out if I can move past it."

Her words hurt me. Tears well up in my eyes, but I hold her gaze, waiting for her to continue.

She takes a deep breath, her fingers tracing patterns on the table. "I love you, Alix. That hasn't changed. But I can't ignore what happened either."

I reach across the table, placing my hand on hers. "I'm so sorry, Lucy. From the depths of my heart, I regret what I did."

Her eyes meet mine and I see a flicker of vulnerability there. "I believe you, Alix. And I want to believe that we can find a way to heal from this. But it won't be easy."

I squeeze her hand gently, a rush of hope surging through me. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes, Luce. I'll give you all the time you need and I'll work tirelessly to earn back your trust."

A small smile tugs at the corners of her lips. "You've already taken a step in the right direction by telling me the truth."

We sit there, hands intertwined, the weight of our shared history mingling with the uncertainty of our future. But in this moment, as we face the aftermath of a painful mistake, I know one thing for sure: our love is worth fighting for.

As the evening unfolds, an awkwardness was still present in the air. It is as we are two strangers forced to share a space. Our familiar routine of cohabiting had become unfamiliar. We are navigating through the kitchen, silently preparing dinner for the two of us, our hands brush in accidentally. A wave of sparkles rush through me.

I'm glad Lucy managed to get Keira and Georgia out of the house for the time being, they would have teased us endlessly how we are awkwardly coexisting at the moment. I know they don't hate me for what I did, they mainly talked with Leah who made them see where it all came from. They forgave me some time ago, but also recognized why it affected Lucy so much. They took her under their wing, I'm glad they were present for her, offering support without tacking sides. Nobody really did within the teams, which I'm really happy with.

The evening stretches on and we settle into a rhythm. A tentative conversation here, a shared smile there, as if we are eagerly testing the waters, dipping our toes into the familiarity of our past.

As we sit on the sofa Lucy asks the question I had been expecting sooner but hadn't heard until now. "I didn't really want to know the answer first, but why did the kiss happen? You don't have to answer if you don't want."

"Luce you got all the rights to ask anything." I assure her. "There was a lot going on with me. I wasn't in love with football anymore, I felt lost in general, I was struggling with the passing of my parents and I felt like everyone had moved on except me. Then, when Beth told me about her mother's cancer, we both found ourselves seeking comfort and affection from anyone willing to give it. We got drunk, lost our sense of judgment and then it happened. We both realized our mistake almost immediately and felt guilty straight away." I ramble on.

Lucy places her hand on mine, silently urging me to slow down. "What hurts the most now." I continue. "I really hate myself for seeking affection in someone else and randomly finding it in Beth in that state, when all I truly wanted was to hold you in my arms."

"Stop hating yourself Liv." Lucy says, her voice filled with empathy while using my nickname again for the first time. "I see now that I also could have done more. I should have asked how you were really feeling, rather than assuming that you were only disinterested in watching the games. I was too focused on myself and forgot to see you were struggling."

"I don't know if I can stop hating myself." A tear makes it appearance. Lucy wipes the tear away with her thumb before it reaches my cheek.

"We both made mistakes Liv, but it doesn't mean we can't learn from them and grow stronger. I want you to know that I will be there for you if something is bothering you, talk to me and I will do better and ask more about how you are doing."

"I should have communicated better, I know. I shut myself off emotionally and should have let you in, telling what I was going through, but I didn't want to burden you with my problems." I say.

"You would never be a burden, remember we are a team and should have faced those challenges together. I wasn't present when you needed me the most and that's why I want to rebuild what we had and make us stronger."

I lean in and gently kiss her forehead. "I'm willing to put in the effort, every single day, to make this work. I love you, Luce, and I want us to heal together."

"I love you too and I stand behind that idea, but it won't come without its challenge. We need to learn from this."

We sit in silence for a moment, our fingers interlocked, the weight of our shared decision settling over us. It's a small step, but it feels like a giant leap toward repairing our fractured relationship.

As the evening continues, we begin to reconnect on a deeper level. We share stories, dreams, and fears, just like we used to. The awkwardness from earlier starts to dissipate, replaced by a growing sense of hope and renewed intimacy.

Before we know it, it's time for bed. We stand in the doorway of our bedroom, hesitating for a moment. Lucy turns to me, her eyes searching mine. "Do you want to stay?"

I smile softly, my heart swelling with gratitude. "I'd love to."

She nods, and we step into the room together, ready to face the challenges and uncertainties ahead. As we settle into bed, our fingers entwined, I can't help but believe that, together, we can rebuild the love we once had, stronger and more resilient than ever before.

The night passes, and as we drift into sleep, I hold onto the hope that this is not just a new chapter in our relationship, but a fresh beginning filled with love, understanding and forgiveness.