Would you tie my shoelaces? [ENGLISH VERSION]

08. Live?

What's the problem?

What's the problem? I don't know. Well, maybe I'm in love.

Love?

I think about it every time I think about it, and I can't stop thinking...

"About it!" I say out loud by accident, completely forgetting Ingrid's presence, managing by mistake to catch her attention.

"What's gotten into you, you idiot?" she commented, looking away from her cell phone in the darkness.

"Go to sleep, hairball," I insulted her, trying to make her forget all this conversation as quickly as possible as she went to bed. It was 11:30 at night and I still couldn't fall asleep. This rarely happened to me. Very rarely.

I'm usually one of those people who avoid others when something happens between them, but this time I didn't avoid Enid like the others. This time, like all the times involving her, it was different.

Although I certainly had already realized that she wasn't like other people.

She never had been and I don't think she ever was. Enid was that something that no one could ever manage to understand, which fascinated me about her. It was something I loved and I didn't want to stop doing it.

It had been four days now and I was still treating Enid the same way I usually do. Or used to. Because since that day in the record store, I've seen her in another way, in another way besides a friend.. and a safe place. Maybe I already used to see her in a way other than a friend, but until now I realize the true way in which I saw her before. And of which I still and will continue to see her now.

I don't like to think about the future, the past, or the present. My throat closes when I feel how a knot grows and grows once I think about it. But that's the way I think, feel and believe. That's the way I am, and that's the way I will be. I just hope Enid finds that somehow or other appealing in me.

I was hoping to meet her in the afternoon, but there was an incident with lunch with my family at 2:30 p.m.... I didn't want to eat. And that was a fucking pain in the ass for Natalie. There was a fight, screaming, hitting, and blood. It had been sooooo long since there had been all 3 of those things. I had no choice but to leave and take the car. Natalia and Ingrid tried to stop me, but my head was no longer focused on her, my body was moving on its own and my energy, the little I had, was being spent on running away. Escape from this prison once and for all and feel free for once and for all.

"I'm not OK" by Weathers was playing as I took off and flew away with the car. Luckily for me, we only had one car to move around in.

"I talk to my self, self.
I think I need help, help
So what if I'm nanananna okay?"

I loved that song, I could relate to it quite a bit. I found that song on Spotify one day when I was listening to Waterparks, when at the end of the song I was listening to, it kept coming up in the row and started playing. I kept repeating it and repeating it and repeating it, and before I knew it, it had become my obsession and my favorite. 

The song was stuck in my head, heart and soul. The phrase could not find a way out of my head and it stayed there every second and every minute that passed, taking me away from that hell, from that space that I should call home and it was only slowly breaking me alive. Soon the music ended by the time I reached the road and I realized:

"I don't have a fucking clue where to go" I said, laughing at the same time and cursing at the thought of the big dumb thing I just did. It was at that moment that I knew where to go, and the moment the traffic light turned green, a new song started playing, and a new location crept into my mind, as Charli xcx's "Break the rules" blared inside the car.

There wasn't a sign, person, or feeling, I simply arrived at my destination in no time, without realizing it. I walked in as soon as the door was opened for me. I entered her room as I was told and hugged her the first moment I saw her.  I hugged her too hard to take her breath away and make her stop breathing, but it didn't happen, Enid only responded to the hug.

I felt her heart, her breathing, and her worry. But nothing mattered to me at that moment, not Natalia, not the car with little gas or the questions that would soon come from Enid after I calmed down. Because I needed a break, and a big one.

(...)

The room was completely silent. And it was what I really expected it to be. How could it not be? The subject of an eating disorder was obviously going to be awkward and strange. Never in life would it be something to laugh about or talk about without any insecurity. Never. Ever. 

"Wow," was the first thing she said once she heard the whole story. "And all because you didn't want to..." she stopped once she got there. That would sound very bad of her, she knew. That's why she stopped and decided to just shut up and stare at me. He took my hand and apologized, I embarrassedly took it back quickly and looked away. I couldn't even bear to hold her hand like before, how on earth could I dance with her that time without looking like a tomato? Oh sweet virgin, help me.

"So, would you like to talk about it?" she asked, but I had no idea what he was talking about. My face must have been the key to making the question clearer, "Wouldn't you like to talk about your recovery, how you'd like to get back to normal in your own way?

"That's the thing, I don't want to," I blurted through my lips, and it was true. I didn't want to go back to normal, I wanted to stay thin and beautiful. Not fat and ugly.

Enid took a few seconds before she answered me again and said:

"But, wouldn't it be better to recover and still be thin and pretty like you already are, but.. better?" she proposed. She took my hand and continued, "If you were allowed to recover at your own pace, go back to loving food like before you had this... disorder, maybe you can still be the way you like it... and me.

The last thing caught my attention and I almost felt the blood rush to my cheeks.

"What?"

"Yeah, you know." She tightened her grip and took both of my hands in hers. "I like the way you are. Happy. If you could be this happy but healthy, at your own pace, you'd fascinate me even more."

That... Sounded... Like... A..

"Confession..." I whispered, but Enid couldn't hear me.

"I'm sorry, I'm talking funny," she released my grip, but I grabbed her again.

Maybe she felt the same way, maybe among all the bones coming out of my body, she found something attractive in me. Maybe among so many flaws in my interior and exterior, she decided to put them aside and look as if they were not really there. I had a chance, and I wasn't going to waste it by overthinking everything as I always did. This time was my chance, now or never.

"Enid..."

"Avis?" she said with a faint smile and her beautiful laugh. But it was the last thing that came out of our mouths, because I slowly moved closer to her face, looking determinedly at her lips, and waiting for them to soon touch with mine.

And then... I closed my eyes. And I'd like to think she did too.