I found you

[21] Ayan's past

TW: mentioning of sexual abuse

Dika. Hearing that name again, the sudden realization came as a shock to Akk. Of course he knew who Dika was. During his research, he had discovered that he had been one of the main teachers who had constantly sexually abused students while teaching in Suppalo.

That meant he...and Ayan...

Akk felt sick to his stomach as he slowly pieced the information together. The articles about these horrible crimes kept coming back to his mind. He felt like throwing up. He couldn't imagine the painful things Ayan had gone through at his uncle's hands.

Ayan noticed Akk's sudden absence and immediately regretted opening up to him.

"Fuck...I shouldn't have told you this. This is too much for you. Argh...I'm so stupid. I-"

"No I'm fine, Aye. You don't need to tell me more if you don't want to. I know who your uncle was." Akk tried as best as he could not to sound upset. But honestly, he was angry.

"I hope he didn't..." Akk tried to remain composed but failed when Ayan said nothing and just looked at him with a guilty expression. Ayan's indirect confirmation hit Akk like a ton of bricks.

"Oh my god...I don't know what to...this is horrible...I'm so sorry that happened to you." Akk barely managed to stay calm. He didn't know what to say to comfort Ayan.

"He was a shitty uncle." Ayan just mumbled, more to himself. He was too ashamed to even look Akk in the eyes. "And an even shittier human being. I know what he did behind the closed school fences."

"I'm really sorry." Akk apologised after a long uncomfortable silence.

"No, it's ok. Besides you can't do anything about it. You probably know that he died more than a ago." Akk nodded silently. "So I'm better now even though the events are still haunting me in my dreams..." Ayan looked like he was about to cry again as he now became aware of the internal wounds that had been inflicted on him. And not only from his uncle...

"You know, I'm really glad you believe me. This is the first time anyone has believed my story. Not even my mother... Although she probably knew what my uncle was doing, but she never once interfered."

"Aye, can I ask you something?" Akk asked hesitantly, afraid that the question might be inappropriate. "Why wouldn't your mother believe you if she knew?" Ayan looked away and shrugged.

"I don't know...I mean, she never really liked me anyway. My mother thinks I'm the reason my father left the family after I was born. And when I told her about Uncle Dika and what he had done not only to me, she slapped me, told me what a waste of a son I was and that she never actually wanted me." Akk was shocked to hear this. But he was even more disgusted. How could a parent do something like that?

"You didn't deserve this."

-

You didn't deserve this.

Ayan repeated this sentence over and over in his mind and could no longer hold back the tears. This was the first time anyone had shown him compassion for what he had been through. Someone who was on his side. The tears silently ran down Ayan's face as he felt like he was reliving his awful past. Akk immediately rushed to Ayan and hugged him again to calm him down.

"But it's my own fault. I didnt't even stop him. I just couldn't...If I just wasn't so afraid of him...he wouldn't..." Ayan's voice cracked as the crying got worse. Akk could see how ashamed and guilty Ayan felt, even though he had done nothing wrong. He wished he could help Ayan or at least do something. But there was nothing Akk could do. Akk hated himself for not being able to do anything.

"I'm so disgusting. I can't even defend myself even if my life depended on it...Like today...I really hate myself for being so weak and pathetic..."

"No, Aye! Please don't say that about yourself! That's not true! Nothing was ever your fault. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this. Nobody ever deserves being treated like that. But your past doesn't define who you are now. You are such a strong person for still fighting and telling your story."

Akk was also crying now because it hurt him so much to hear how Ayan felt about himself. He hugged him tighter, showing him that he was important and loved at least by someone. Or Akk was maybe afraid that if he let go of Ayan, he would disappear. And maybe he was right...

"Your uncle is dead now. He can't do anything to you ever again."

Ayan just sobbed harder in Akk's arms. Akk couldn't see his face, but he knew Ayan was relieved that someone finally understood him. The shaking slowly stopped and his body relaxed. Akk carefully broke the hug and looked supportively into Ayan's eyes.

"You are safe now, Aye. I'll make sure of that. Everything is going to be fine. Please never think of yourself like that. You are worth fighting for." Akk comfort Ayan and gently kept patting his back. The two had been through a lot today and were both mentally and physically exhausted and tired.

And after a while, both of them soon fell asleep on Ayan's bed, still in each other's arms. And although it was a really difficult day for both of them, for the first time in a long time that both of them slept so peacefully and without any problems.