"I don't care whether you live or die"

I

Notes:

This fic is fairly descriptive, and has many possibly triggering topics; suicidal actions and thoughts, self harm, hyperventilating, mental breakdowns, broken bones, mentioned hypothermia, hurtful words, swearing (Lots of it!!) and burning buildings.

(I just tried to list everything just in case.)

Also, please remember that this is just me referencing from many other authors about these topics and that I have little to no experience in these, so I apologise if situations in this story are not written accurately or realistically. This story also probably doesn't make sense in many places because I spew out random words at night when I can't sleep but I'm thinking about angsty stuff to pass the time.

Final note! The editing here is really bad.

Chapter I: bathroom party.

I'm in a random public bathroom having a fucking mental breakdown - not the best time right?

Maybe I can just die here and now and I won't have to worry about anything else.

About Dabi and the league? I betrayed them. I betrayed myself the same time, went against every moral I had when I was younger- I did this all to myself.

I deserve every single punishment the commission gives me, all the burns from Dabi's flames, all the stress, work, and fucking harm I gave to myself.

I deserve to think about all my weaknesses to constantly be reminded that I am a failure of a hero, a friend and a person.

Now there's tears on my face and I stare into my reflection in the half shattered mirror. Not a good idea. I look fucking stupid, my hair isn't right, my face isn't right, Hawks isn't right. I can't stand this, I want to look away but I can't because I'm a failure and a betrayer and fucking heartless and not myself - who the hell am I? Keigo? That boy is dead. He died the first day I went to the commission.

I am Hawks. Hawks, number 2, winged hero, the man too fast for his own good. I'm just a brand name. I'm so lame and disgusting I feel terrible for the people who look up to me - especially Tokoyami. I don't even have the maturity of a high schooler - those class 1A students would never, ever think of betraying their peers, even if they would be punished. Physically and mentally.

Tokoyami is a good kid, and alongside his friends he'll become a great hero in the future. He was the one who saved my life that day, even though he really shouldn't have.

That action put him into direct danger because of me- my stupid actions and incapability to do anything right. I should've just died that day, it should've been the end, "Hawks No. 2 hero killed by the LOV member, flame villan Dabi-"

But Tokoyami just had to change fate- I can't help but feel a little frustrated. (Even though I knew he did it for the better, I mean he's sure to get some credit for saving the no. 2 right?)

it's not like I'm useful now anyways, my wings are gone. The hero I used to be is gone. What is the winged hero without his wings? The hero 'too fast for his own good' isn't 'too fast' without his wings.

I'm hyperventilating now. I can't breathe properly- nonono- I think I need to meet some stupid person at my agency building soon- I don't have time to hyperventilate or have a mental breakdown, come on, I need to just contain my emotions like the commission taught me to. The commission knows best. The commission built my life, turned me into a hero, saved me from that decrepit old building that was once a home, and (indirectly) introduced me to some of the best people in the world who made me think I actually had some worth- and I hurt them.

Okay okay okay I'm trying to calm down, deep breaths right? I think it's working. Slowly. Too slowly- can't do anything right useless useless "shut up!" I need to ignore those thoughts right now.

Okay, heartbeat slowing now? Good. My handlers would be happy.

I take a few minutes then leave the broken down bathroom while trying to fix my hair.

🍇😉Burnt raisin 🔥❤️‍🔥

Group meeting tonight, bring food.

Sure! See ya soon dabs ❤️

Yeah yeah whatever.

read xx/xx/xxxx

Hey, meet up at the warehouse tonight? I'll bring food.

Delivered