LACUNA | YOONMIN (Under Editing)

3

*Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting. *
                                                        -Peter Pan

2015 from Yoongi's narration

I never liked goodbyes. The act of looking someone in the eye, admitting that I was leaving, felt like placing a weight on their shoulders—a burden of waiting, hoping, lingering. Saying goodbye always felt too final, too harsh, as if it clipped away any thread of possibility. I preferred to slip into a space of uncertainty, leaving an open-ended pause between us. No clear end, no definitive closure—just a quiet understanding that maybe,

somehow,

I would return...

This quiet, unresolved space was what kept my memories alive, my mind tethered to the people and places I left behind. Without goodbyes, I held onto the feeling that nothing was truly over; that at any moment, I could walk back into their lives as though no time had passed. I suppose it wasn’t fair. I knew it left others feeling unsettled, like a door was left ajar. But it was the least damaging way I knew, the only way I could let go without feeling like I was losing something vital in return.

A quote I once underlined in a book has stayed with me for years, resonating on a level I couldn’t ignore:

Go as if you never left and as if you will never return. If you leave completely, you will break hearts, and if you return, you will not find what you are looking for.

I thought about these words deeply before my journey to Italy. I remember that starry night, feeling the weight of the unknown within me, a quiet helplessness, realizing that happiness had eluded me here. I didn’t leave because my family or friends lacked love for me; I left because I couldn’t find love for myself.

I couldn't love myself.

I left because I wanted to be more than what I should be,but I couldn't be. Like a beautiful flower planted in the wrong soil, I didn’t want to bloom in a place that didn’t feel like home. The heart I longed to blossom in felt barren to me, lacking what I needed to grow. So, I left to become my own flower.

As obstacles piled up in front of me like mountains, I chose to leave to protect others from the harm my own carelessness might cause.

If it was black, I let it be black; if it was white, I let it be white.

It was a beautiful evening in May, when the seven of us were lying on the beach and the stars in the sky were shining brightly on us. I remember Jimin laying his head on my lap while we were each lying on the sand.

He was watching the Moon.

"It feels like home," I remember him saying, as the reflections of the stars danced in his pupils.

"Nights seem so welcoming; they deceive us," Namjoon said quietly, his gaze fixed on the fire.

Everyone went silent, his words hanging in the air. Since he was studying psychology, we were used to hearing these random philosophical thoughts from him, ones that left us questioning everything. It was one of those evenings. We each took a sip from our beer bottles buried in the sand, settling back around the fire we’d built.

Namjoon looked like he wanted to explain himself or maybe just add something to make this night stick with us a little longer. His expression was thoughtful, a slight smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

As a matter of fact, I never, ever forgot that night.

I saw Jungkook shivering from the coolness of the night even though he was sitting by the fire and snuggled next to Namjoon.