LACUNA | YOONMIN (Under Editing)

12

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*I fell in love with his soul before i could even touch his skin.*

2018 December 31, from Jimin's narration

I felt like I had hit the wall, and my thoughts were scattered on the floor like shards of glass. There were all kinds of emotions in my thoughts. Happiness, jealousy, fear, ambition, anger, disappointment and hope. I thought about the two years that I ruined myself because I didn't know how he would react if I told him I was in love with him, and I was afraid. However, he already knew these feelings. He knew the complexities of falling in love with a man. I didnt know. I couldn't learn and there was no one to teach me and guide me, I didn't need there to be, that was the whole problem anyway. It all started after Yoongi Hyung left. He should have stayed here and taught me too.

He loved a man. He was calling him as butterfly. He wanted to drive me crazy. At that moment, I immediately hated butterflies.

When all the emotions inside me gave way to pure jealousy, I was thinking about who Yoongi Hyung could fall in love with enough to call him a butterfly, even though he's been with me and us all these years. I had to find that person. It was as if many obstacles had been removed from my path at that moment and the only obstacle remained was that I was no different than a brother to him. At that moment, I quickly thought about the people I saw who were in the same class as Hyung in the architecture department of the university. Could he be one of them?

Butterfly... I was going to deal with a butterfly as if I didn't have any other obstacles.

We didn't talk for a long time because we hugged each other and cried. Yoongi Hyung's hands were still on my back, leaving comforting touches. I slowly raised my head. Who could stop me from keeping him only to myself now? I wanted his happiness, of course. Of course, I wanted this. But with me. He wasn't even aware of what I told him. He didn't even know about the tattoo on my chest. Maybe even if he saw it, he wouldn't remember what it was. However, it was one of the songs that I have never forgotten, in the best times of 2015, which Hyung was still scribbling in front of the brown piano at home, in his free time from architecture classes.

Hyung played the piano very well.

While I was looking at his face and he was looking at mine, Hyung's hands caressing my back stopped. We looked at each other for a few seconds. I sniffled.

"So you're in love with that butterfly?"

My voice was as curious as possible, hoarse and coy from crying.

Hyung's eyes sparkled so beautifully that I had a hard time not to melt under his soft gaze.

We were still looking at each other when he nodded at me. I looked away and caught the view outside from the window that stretched to the ground behind his shoulder. It was dark. I could tell that it was cold outside just by looking at it. I couldn't look at him as my eyes were stuck on the outside view. I swallowed hard. What a heavy feeling it was to ask him this question. I didn't feel ready for this at all.

''Did you tell him you were in love with him? Does he know?''

At that moment, my eyes met his and I saw that something was broken in his eyes.

He shook his head negatively, with his eyelids half closed.

"Not yet." A bitter smile appeared on his lips.

''Do you know, Hyung? I have a phobia of butterflies."

I was really starting to hate someone I had never met. Just because Hyung called him a butterfly, just because Hyung's heart belonged to someone else, I was filled with such a heavy feeling that I hated the whole world. A mountain of jealousy that grew so big that I couldn't even see in front of me was covering my eyes and I didn't want to care about anything.