LACUNA | YOONMIN (Under Editing)

5

*I'll hold you in my heart until i can hold you in my arms.*
                                                -Peter Pan

2015 from Yoongi's narration

That night at Namjoon’s house, as I lay in bed beside Jimin, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I watched him without blinking, memorizing each rise and fall of his breath, the quiet sweetness of his sleep, every subtle movement. His soft, steady breathing felt like it reached out to me, stirring something deep inside. My thoughts wandered to what Namjoon had told me. Then, to what Jimin had said.

Jimin noticed everything about me—the smell of my cigarettes i smoked, the subtle notes of women’s perfume I wore. I was a simple person, but somehow, I made Jimin think about me as it is.

He kept wondering about the things he thought he knew.

For the first time, I wasn’t questioning whether what I was doing was right or wrong. I let things flow naturally, careful not to let him sense the love I held for him.

If he realized, it might turn his world upside down. I would stay as he needed me: his unchanging, steady Hyung, always there to support him, morally. I didn’t want him to carry the weight of a love he hadn’t encountered before.

Jimin didn’t know love yet. He wasn’t ready to understand a man’s close feelings for another man. In truth, neither was I. We both didn’t understand. Searching for this unknown feeling in Jimin and hoping he would somehow love me the same way—it felt like swimming endlessly in an ocean.

Jimin was someone pure and angelic. He had this gift of making everyone he met feel like the happiest person in the world. He could easily fall in love with a girl. His sweet, caring nature was something any girl would cherish. Jimin was incredibly thoughtful; he never missed birthdays or special days, always making everyone around him feel valued. He existed for others before himself, and that made him irreplaceable.

The sound of the front door opening quietly in the early morning told me Namjoon was finally home. He hadn’t come home the night before, giving Jimin and me time alone. If any of our other friends had been there, they wouldn’t have thought to leave us alone like that—they didn’t know my feelings as Namjoon did.

Namjoon slowly opened the bedroom door, glanced over at Jimin still sleeping, and saw me wide awake, watching him intently.

“Looks like you didn’t sleep either,” he whispered, his voice soft like the morning breeze. I got up slowly and pulled the sheet gently over Jimin, not wanting to wake him.

"I had a good reason to stay awake. The view was beautiful.” I gave him a small smile. “What kept you up all night?”

Namjoon smiled and set a pastry bag on the counter, pulling out something for breakfast.

“I was catching up with someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. I think I kept finding excuses not to come back, but none of them had anything to do with you two,” he admitted with a slight shrug. I already knew he’d never see us as a burden.

“Was it worth it?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Seeing that someone?"

Namjoon waved his hand, brushing off the topic.

“Forget it,” he said lightly. “Anyway, did you tell Jimin you’re leaving? Did you talk last night?”

We moved to the kitchen, and as Namjoon started brewing coffee, I breathed in the fresh morning air drifting in through the balcony door.

“He cried a lot,” I said softly, shaking my head. “One day, something terrible will happen to me for making him cry. I feel like gods, angels, something—they’ll curse me for it.”