I think I'm lost without you [Paul Lahote]

Chapter Two: You were the only safe haven that I've known

Noah was nine years old when her mother died in a car crash. She was driving Noah to her ballet lesson, along with her best friend Sarah Black. They both cooed at the sight of the young girl in her tutu and Sarah insisted that she come along to watch, even though Noah made it clear that she was no good.

Noah could only ever remember bits and pieces of that night. She remembers that they were blasting music, as was common for the girls, but for the life of her she can't remember what song was playing. She remembers a bright flash of lights and the sound of tires screeching and then there was the impact. When she dreams about it, Noah always wakes up at the impact, her body jarring with the motion.

Her memories jumble together after that. The fuzzy faces of police officers and paramedics, urgent voices, and so many sirens. She remembered no one would tell her where her mom was despite how many times she asked. They kept deflecting. She remembered the hard embrace of her father when he finally reached the scene. He had held her tightly to his chest for the rest of the ordeal, trying to comfort her, or finding comfort himself, maybe both.

Dead on impact, they told her dad and uncle. A drunk driver who ran a red light - she found out much later in life that he walked away with barely a scratch on him. The permanence of it all didn't set in immediately, for weeks she half expected her mom to walk through the front door, bruised but grinning. Noah had known what death was, but had never experienced it in her life until then.

She had the unique experience of having her cousin and best friend go through the exact same situation as her. Well not exactly the same. Jacob hadn't been in the car during the crash. He wasn't the reason both their moms were in the car in the first place. It was a dark thought that resided in the darkest corners of her mind. Noah tried to listen to everyone who told her it was an accident, a cruel twist of fate, but deep deep down she knew in her heart that she was the one to blame.

Her father sat her down many times after that to explain the whole situation. A drunk driver killed Mommy and Aunt Sarah, he told her the first time. He fielded her questions as best he could and explained that because of where the car was hit (and then pinned to the tree), Noah had not been seriously injured. Thank god, he had said the first few times he sat her down. It wasn't long that Richard stopped saying thank god. He had assured Noah many times that it was not her fault, but after a while his reassurances became half hearted and his eyes grew cold.

Things never get bad immediately, at least not in Noah's experience. It was like falling asleep, slowly and then all at once. It took a year for her father to pick up the bottle. Richard had avoided the stuff all his life due to his family's predisposition to alcoholism, but he figured he had a pretty valid reason now to start. He started expecting more things out of Noah, telling her she had to take responsibility now that her mother was gone. If she didn't get A's on her exams he would yell at her and send her to her room. If she left her shoes in the hallway he would throw them outside in the rain. Her father also started giving her more chores around the house. He demanded perfection, but it wasn't until a few months later that he hit her for the first time.

Noah remembered that day more clearly than the day her mother died. She had been putting away groceries, when one of her dads beer bottles slipped from her hand and shattered on the kitchen floor. Her father had stalked into the room with a fury in his eyes. Noah immediately began babbling apologies, but it only seemed to be making things worse. His hand struck faster than an asp and Noah heard the resounding smack before she felt the pain. She was immediately silenced, not daring to raise her hand to hold her cheek. Noah briefly saw what looked like panic in her father's eyes before it vanished. His eyes hardened once again

"Clean this up." Richard grunted, exiting the kitchen and returning to his football game. It took Noah a full minute to start moving and once she did, there was no stopping the tears from flowing. She refused to make a sound though for fear that her dad would return.