again | taylor swift au

chapter 8

Taylor hates herself. She tosses and turns all night. She can't stop thinking about Casey, and she hates herself for it. She hates Gracie for bringing them together. She hates him for being so damn charming. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to fall for him.

But she can't stop thinking of him. And it's not because she is so excited about being his friend. She doesn't understand why it can't be that. She doesn't understand why she has to feel the way that she does, but she knows that she can't seem to turn it off.

She can't sleep. Her brain can't stop moving. It's filled with thoughts, filled with a melody. Taylor decides to stop fighting it. Around 4:00 in the morning, she climbs out of bed, pulls a hoodie over her head, and pads out to the living room, pulling her guitar off of its stand. She scribbles a line down in her journal, the ones that have been floating around in her mind.

These are the words I held back, as I was leaving too soon,
I was enchanted to meet you.

It's not uncommon in the apartment for music to be being made at any hour of the night. Gracie and Taylor have both grown to be able to sleep through it, no questions asked. But tonight, for some reason, Gracie wanders out into the living room.

She stands a few feet away; Taylor doesn't realize she's there for a few minutes. She's too wrapped up in it all.

Eventually, Taylor looks up and sees her best friend standing there. She feels her face turning pink. "Hey..."

"It's great," Gracie says, sitting down. "Really."

"What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep," Gracie admits. "I was stuck in my head... I got up to get a glass of water, but decided to come investigate the music coming from out here."

Taylor nods. "I couldn't sleep either... same reason."

"So," Gracie says, sitting down on the sofa beside Taylor and pulling her hair over her right shoulder, "whatcha writing about?"

Taylor sits back, sinking into the cushions beneath her. "Can you... keep a secret? And like... not freak out?"

"Of course," Gracie replies, tucking her legs up under her. As the two girls sit there in their pajamas, Taylor feels safe. There's something about the middle of the night that makes even the most mundane of things feel like a sacred prayer. Something about the still air, the calm and quiet. She'd trust Gracie with her life any hour of the day, but right now... it's much more intimate. It's a space where she knows she can say anything and not have to worry about her best friend's reaction.

"I... um... after tonight..." Taylor stammers. She doesn't even know where to start. She feels so stupid; she's only spent such a small amount of time with Casey. But she somehow feels like she's known him her whole life. "I think I like him," she says in a small voice. She can't even bring herself to say his name. She doesn't know why, but forming the words is so scary to her. She feels herself start to tear up, then a rage burning in her stomach. Anger at herself. She feels so stupid. This isn't something to cry about- why is that her reaction?

And though Taylor doesn't say exactly who she's talking about, she doesn't have to. Gracie knows.

"T," Gracie says, "it's okay. You're allowed to. It's been almost a year since you and..." Gracie cuts herself off. They're not dropping names tonight. "Since your last relationship ended. That's a long time, especially for someone so young. You're allowed to like him. You're allowed to feel any feelings that you have."

The blonde girl sighs, pulling her hair out of its ponytail. Her curls fall into her face, but somehow, that makes her feel less vulnerable. She looks to Gracie, her bright blue eyes wide, in a way, begging for the comfort that Gracie is giving her.