again | taylor swift au

chapter 10

i did give a general trigger warning for all of this book but this chapter in general has a pretty intense tw for eating disorders, body image, and emetophobia so please read with caution if these are things that effect you- i love you all <3

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Gracie really didn't mean to look out the window and see Taylor and Casey kissing. It was a moment between them that she wasn't trying to invade. She didn't even know that they were out there when she ran over to her window, full intentions of throwing it open to get some fresh air. Anything to keep herself from looking in the mirror for another single second.

She couldn't stand it any longer.

She couldn't stand there in the navy blue lingerie she'd gotten, trying to come up with excuses to not have to wear it. Tonight, his hands began to wander, finding places she'd never been touched before. And she liked it. She liked the way he made her feel so safe and so dangerous at the same time. She liked the way that he sent chills through her entire body with nothing but the tips of his fingers. But what she liked most of all was how he explored her body while keeping all of her clothes on. How she didn't have to show him the parts of her that she hates yet.

Yet.

But she fears that soon, she may have to.

And that's how she ended up there, in nothing but a lacy bra and underwear, staring into the mirror, studying her reflection in the glass in front of her. Analyzing every curve, every bit of cellulite, every stretch mark on her skin.

And the longer she stares, the more things she finds to hate. She wants to scream, to rip her hair out.

But instead, she does something else. She can't seem to stop herself. She runs to the bathroom, leans over the toilet. With one hand, she holds her hair back, out of her face. With the other, she sticks her fingers into her mouth, down the back of her throat. She doesn't know quite what she's looking for in there- it's not like there's a button to press. But she does know that, if she finds the right spot, she'll accomplish what she wants to. And she does, pretty quickly. It's not something she ever thought she'd do. Never, ever, in a million years. She knows it's bad. But as the contents of her stomach, the remnants of her dinner from that night, come back up and leave her body, she feels a wave of relief washing over her. She feels like, maybe she really is doing something, taking ownership of her body that she's come to hate so much.

But after a moment, the gravity of what she's done sits in. There she is, on the cold tile of her bathroom floor. The taste of her own sick still lingering in her mouth, her body nearly naked. She thinks about long, miserable nights that she spent as a child, sick with a stomach bug. How terrible she felt, how much she hated it. And yet, she just made herself throw up... on purpose. It's the sort of thing that lands people in in-patient rehabilitation programs. She grew up in Los Angeles before- she's seen it time and again. She never thought she'd be the one doing it.

Her heart starts to beat quicker in her chest. She realizes that she didn't hate it- it didn't make her feel like she did when she had the stomach flu. No, she liked what she felt. She liked the control that it gave her. And she likes that now, as she stares at her side profile in the mirror, just maybe her stomach is a little bit flatter. Maybe.

The more she thinks about it all, thinks about how bad she knows it is, combined with how it made her feel... she starts to get overwhelmed. So she wraps herself in her dressing gown and walks to her bedroom window, throwing the curtains open. Really, the fresh air was all that she wanted.

In the end, she doesn't even get any. Because before opening her window, she looks out and sees what's happening on the street below. She sees Taylor and Casey, illuminated by the glow of the snow. She can't help but think that it might be the most romantic thing ever. But she doesn't want them to know she's up there, doesn't want them to think she's spying on them. So she doesn't open the window.