Time Of Death [Yungi]

003

87 DAYS

The moment Yunho and I had parted ways, I regretted not jumping. It felt like the sun had disappeared again, like it had never existed in the first place and I was walking around blind. 

I should've known that just because there was one decent person, it wasn't a good enough reason to stay alive. 

I was reminded when I had to go back to work the next day and I was stuck with my asshole of a boss. It wasn't that my coworkers were bad. None of them liked him and we all shared that in common, but I usually stayed to myself. 

I wasn't a very likable person. 

And for an extrovert, I really didn't like people either. 

Sometimes I thought it was weird how the world kept going forward even as I was getting closer to death. I knew it was ridiculous. Of course things would keep going forward. It was just...odd. To see people smiling and the sun shining, even when I didn't feel like smiling and everything felt so dark. 

I was able to get another appointment with the doctor to get pain relievers for the headaches. Otherwise I was sure I'd cause another scene. 

It didn't make the pain go away, just made it bearable. It was better than nothing. 

Even though it was better than nothing, the ringing in my ears never went away and that pounding in my skull was agony. 

To add to my misery, I missed my bus home. 

I had to take way too many breaks, my fatigue making it hard to walk for more than five minutes at a time.  

I didn't care if I was weak. Why should I stomach through all of this torment just to die anyway? Fuck spite. 

To make matters worse, the sky thundered and rain suddenly started pouring. Everyone either pulled out their umbrella, commenting on how they predicted the weather. Or they ran for cover. 

I scoffed, staring up in disbelief. 

I know I said that I didn't understand why the sun was still shining while I was in pain, but I didn't want this to happen. Not now, without an umbrella and having to walk home. 

I felt my eyes burn but I didn't let myself cry even if they'd be swallowed by the rain pelting my face. I could never cry. 

"Why?" I breathed. 

I let out a shaky breath and willed my feet to keep moving even if I was just barely dragging them. 

Somehow I made it back to my apartment, only pausing to see the paper on the door that was an eviction notice. 

It didn't make me feel better that it wasn't my fault. That it was because the building was sold. In fact it made me feel worse. Because if it was my fault, than I could've predicted it. I would've had someone to blame. 

But how could I blame any of this on anyone? 

It wasn't anyone's fault for my parents death. Or my cancer. Or the fact that it was raining, or that I was diagnosed with clinical depression, or that the building I live in had been sold out, or that my girlfriend broke up with me. 

I couldn't blame anyone. I couldn't even blame myself. And it was suffocating. 

I was genuinely struggling to breathe. Like every breath was being forced out. 

I peeled out of my sopping wet clothes and went to take a shower, praying that I wouldn't get sick because I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it if I did. 

Spite wasn't good enough for me. I didn't have enough energy for it. I didn't have anyone to spite or be angry at. I was tired. It was hard enough to die, how could I live? 

Was that all he was? One wave of warmth that would disappear from my life overnight? Was it so easy to feel so cold and empty and alone? 

I felt the familiar ache behind my eyes but I was even too tired to do that. Another sigh was forced out of me and this time it made me chuckle. Was it from my frustration or my inability to breathe properly? 

Spite just wasn't enough for me anymore.