Accept

Chasing The Thrilled

As I got ready to work at Old Navy, my dad shouted my name downstairs, like when I almost got in trouble for using his credit card without permission. I put on my old navy shirt that was dark blue and headed downstairs before my pet cat could beat me down. Walking toward the living room, I hear my father's voice from the kitchen. I look directly toward the wall of my living room. I don't know why I was looking toward the wall, but something made me want to prove that I was not going insane for what I was seeing. I don't have Schizophrenia, but my doctor said I have an early stage of autism in my system. I tend to be scared whenever I do this because I ask myself every time that I am not one of those mental people who go on a bad rampage, like doing something dangerous to harm someone because of the state they are in right now. I pray that my thought is in good hands by god and that god would help me be better if I would accept his faith and follow his guide toward having a better life. As I stopped staring at the wall, I jumped down the steps leading to the kitchen, and my father was sitting on the kitchen table wearing his mechanic suit like he always does after returning home. My dad made a happy smile, almost as if he got promoted from his job, but I could tell that this smile wasn't related to him but to me. My dad stared at how I looked for work and acted as if I was going to go to school, but I didn't realize I completed high school. He didn't question at first; he was unsure. My dad said," Hey, Lilia, it's about time to go to work." He said. I nod vigorously, "Yeah, Dad, I'm about to head to work, and then I'll call you when my shift ends."Lilia said, "It's about time you make more money to save rather than going to that fancy school about ten minutes away." He explains. I disagreed with what he said about me not attending college, but I opened my mouth and responded, "Oh yeah, about that, I am still going to college for the better until I have more money saved in my account for the spring semester." I exhaled in relief. My father's eyes changed since his mood changed from normal to abnormal the second I broke his idea. My father stood up, pushing the chair from the drawer, and said, "College for what?" He asks. " You don't have to go to college since you were already working at a store, and you can help us save more money to buy a new home," he said. I couldn't believe he didn't remember that I was planning to go to college in the spring semester. Then I sighed to relax and said, " Dad, I want to study English as my major and minor in creative writing." I yelled in his direction where his face was. "I love writing stories and making up stories about girls and boys, and I know that this major isn't a real job, but I need to understand what I am good at." I expressed my feelings toward my father, and my father begged me not to go to college. He angrily said, " Why waste money on a major that you might not passed since you didn't have much education in your last year in high school due to your situation with the school." He explains. I could tell from my father's mood that he was tired of fighting for me since school. He felt that the school gave me another chance to live a normal life without returning after causing panic toward the administrator. Then again, I told him, "I have been through hell and back from court and hospital; now is the time that I do something for myself and toward the people that motivated me to attend college and never to make the same mistake again." My father looked directly into my eyes, and he said, "The only reason the school didn't want you to come back is because you were stupid enough that you let your mental health cause you to panic your school counselor, and I have to waste countless of money just to save your ass from being put in jail." He growled. I could tell he was tired of fighting for my freedom and rights and thought none of this would've happened If I replied to everything the school recommended. I explained, " I know you have been fighting with me since September, but I have met people, doctors, and a therapist. I explain, "They had done great things to me that all this time was giving them much attitude and more mischief to their bad days." I sign, "The only reason I was acting a dick toward my therapist was because I just wanted a normal education without causing trouble and not to mention to end this year strong with my friend that I will never see again since my action led to me stop believing in high school drama." I gasped for air. My father mocked my word of wisdom and calmly sipped his coffee.He put the coffee mug on the table and aggressively pulled me toward the wall like a hammer hitting a stump.I struggled to resist, but his arm was too strong for me to break free.I immediately yelled out, but my mom wasn't home, and neither were my siblings.My father came close toward my ear while I was crying for help.He came close enough that I knew that I wasn't his little girl enough anymore.He calmly said, "I know you are still my little girl; for that, you listen to what I say." Finally, I broke free from his trap, and we stared at each other. We didn't say anything for a minute until I walked past him, shoving his shoulder and slamming the door loudly, spooking the cat. After this desperate attempt to escape, I ran from my dad since he was supposed to drop me at work, but after our argument, I decided to go jogging to work. My eyes were watery, and my clothes were getting soaked with mucus. All I could think was I'm sorry. I wasn't saying sorry to myself; this was an apology toward everyone I had met and made them uncomfortable with my actions and the way I behaved each day. This still haunts me every day; no matter the weather it will be, I'll always be upset. I remember each day. Whenever I had cross country practice, I would always run around the block of the school and then come back to the track so that my group and I could warm up after practice. I can't believe the year went by fast; Everyone is in college. I can hear myself begging for forgiveness for all my stupidity in high school before sending these threatening emails. I know some close friends, even my friend Maddie, won't forgive me for what I have done in the past. She'll never forgive me for what I did that was embarrassing for me to post without her consent.