It was warm and cozy weather, but it felt miserable every second. It had been raining for the past 15 days yet I had no sight of sun after all these days. Maybe it's because I was working indoors and partly because of the dark, gloomy weather? I thought to myself. Dissociated for a while I looked out the window and glanced at the shining, pretty morning light casting its coldness around the corners of my gloomy room. Filled up with sparkles and hope... for me to wake up, stand up for another morning, asking me to try once again even if I fail. The weather felt absorbing and thankfully it was a weekend. Perfect day to sky-gaze all day.
I was feeling exhausted mentally and physically. I needed an escape or some sort of rejuvenated time to help me get a clear mind. The alarm rang and I snoozed off — once – twice — it has become a ritual. I was awake but dizzy.
I wasn't feeling good, out of energy, my body felt heavy and dissociated from existence. This routine was taking up all my liveliness but also what I'm supposed to do at least for now. I know why I was feeling low and gloomy. It was not the weather but my despair. With each day passing by I felt out of touch, burnt out...
Life felt meaningless, and steadily I started losing interest in most of the things I enjoyed doing. It all felt like, I'd been tied up and couldn't let myself out of the barracks of life.
I wake up, move my body, drink a glass of water, do some exercise, and prepare for breakfast and lunch. – Getting ready for work, walking ten minutes to the metro station, spending 30 minutes commuting to my company. Coming back from the office, I had no time to breathe. Swayed by the same loop and nothing joyful event, life seemed so obvious yet distant. This has become my life or say office life. It felt so repetitive that even the little things coming in the way seemed boring. All the sceneries, beautiful buildings, murals, and birds gave me no joy.
Being possessed by depressed thoughts, I pushed myself to at least get up and sit for a while. After tossing in bed, I got up, slid the curtains from the window, and went to the balcony to check if other humans felt the same as me. If the sky, birds, and all the living creatures come by exhausted. Being present and observing the little things felt like a privilege, an exclusive joy that I would not trade with anyone.
Filling up the little joy that will last for moments only, I went to make tea for myself. While enjoying the tea, I decided to take it slow and spend my day alone with stuff I wanted to do.
It was Saturday, and having different thoughts altogether, I grabbed my journal and started dumping my thoughts. After 15 minutes, I stood up to prepare a delicious breakfast for myself.
Humming my morning playlist, I carried a pan and flamed the gas stove – ready to cook a heart-full meal. While the music was satisfying my soul, I moved to satisfy my eyes and stomach. I chopped whatever veggies I found from the refrigerator, and mixed them all in a gram flour. I sprinkled every condiment I sensed was right to my taste buds, and scooped out enough from a ladle to spread it evenly on a pan, like an omelet. Made three batches because I was feeling too hungry to digest it all down my stomach. In no time, I finished my breakfast and washed all the used utensils so that I would not procrastinate later.
Ahh... It's so much work - I took out a heavy sigh. But I love food
I decided to go solo. It has been so long since I wandered around the city aimlessly. Listening to songs on repeat, smelling the flowers, and visiting the bookstore. Isn't this an ideal day? I thought to myself and felt so contented.
After deciding on my solo itinerary, I pulled out a pretty dress from my closet and got some accessories to look chic. Held my favorite tote pairing up with cute sneakers. 'Am I doing too much?' my inner conflicted thoughts started pulling me back from my jolly mood.
Shrugging off the unnecessary thoughts, I took the metro to old bookstore streets. It was obviously to Rabindra Nagar, Khan market at my favorite Fakir Chand Book store. I was peacefully sitting and enjoying my music when suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder. I opened my eyes, looked up, and pulled my earplugs out.
Can you move a little - bit, I've to sit. - The older man looked grimacingly.
I was confused for a second then I glided a little bit leaving a space for the old man. I put my earplugs back, while I restored my peace within. Although I felt a little uncomfortable as if someone is constantly staring at me. I budged to look at the same old man staring at me disgustingly as if I'd done a great crime.
This made me feel uneasy, I stared him back with the same disgust but gave up and found another corner to ignore this situation. Just when I moved, the man gestured to an old-looking woman, standing in front of her to be seated. This is when it hit me the reason why the old man kept on staring at me, expecting me to give up my seat to the old woman who was perhaps his spouse.
Sighs! A truck of guilt and remorse hit my chest. But that uncle could have told me. How am I supposed to understand what he's indicating by looking at me with so much disgust?
Although, I didn't notice the woman because I was busy relishing my playlist. Let it be! I tried to calm myself. What else I can do now? Delving into constant ruminations and inner confusion, I heard the announcement for my station and got ready to get off the train.
Walking around old alleys of bookstores and the smell filled me with so much joy and nostalgia. The feeling was unexplainable but also memorable. I wanted to glorify my solo wanderings and the weather was complementing my mood, every bit. However, the humidity gave me itching more than a pleasant feeling.
'Guess this is not the right day to go out?- I groaned but also made up my mind that no matter what I'll check all the spots today only.
