this is me trying

but now its come undone

"I'm not uncomfortable, but I feel so uncomfortable"

"How have you been, Alex?"

Alex didn't really know how to answer that question. Not in front of Lauren at least. There was a jealousy of some sort there. Lauren always had it together. Even when she didn't, she still did.

She had the loving husband. The beautiful kids. The white picket fence.

And Alex was supposed to be right there with her. But she wasn't. She was 33, which wasn't old, sure, but at the same time, she wasn't getting any younger. On top of that, she was a professional athlete, her metaphorical clock had always been ticking a bit faster than others.

"I've been better." She took a sip of the coffee she had made for the both of them. She scrunched her nose up. She hadn't really wanted it. But, she was trying to be a good host.

Lauren's children ran around, chasing Blue in and out of furniture. Alex smiled at the sound. This was the most action her house had seen in months.

"Have you?"

Alex nodded slowly, she had been better than this. Once upon a time.

"It's been a while, I guess." She rubbed at the nape of her neck, suddenly uncomfortable.

After sobbing straight through Lauren's shirt that night, they hadn't spoken about it. Alex never knew why Lauren qas there or how she found her. In fact, Lauren distracted her for a full week before she had to head back home. They had never mentioned it since, but their friendship garnered a bond that was strong. Strong in a different way than Alex's and Kelley's.

The type of strong where you can go months without talking and pick up right where you left off. Whereas, Kelley and Alex had to facetime each other every thirty minutes or else they would die of sudden cardiac arrest.

"Mommy!"

"Yes?"

"Hi."

"Hi, Baby."

And yes, their friendship was strong, but Alex was still jealous.

"The divorce surprised me." Lauren said, staring into the cup of coffee as if she didn't truly want it either.

"Me too."

Lauren raised a questioning eyebrow, and Alex couldn't blame her because what did she mean by that?

"Did he do something?"

Alex was quick to clarify. She didn't necessarily like her ex-husband but it had more to do with her and less to do with anything he had ever done.

"No. He didn't cheat or anything like that. I guess I was just tired of...lying to myself. I didn't love him. I don't think I ever did, at least not in the way a wife is supposed to love a husband. Honestly, I don't know how he never noticed."

"Were you having regular sex with him?"

"Unfortunately."

The corner of Lauren's mouth cinched up in a smirk, "That's why he didn't notice."

Alex saw the humor in Lauren's words but didn't elect to laugh as the image of his surprised and hurt expression when she asked for a divorce was permanently tattooed onto the back of her eyelids.

There was a weird dichotomy there.

Servando...

Serenity...

All she did was hurt people.

"Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision."

Lauren hummed, "Why? Because your life didn't automatically get better as soon as those papers were signed?"