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They kept him in the hospital for six more days. I could tell the time seemed interminable to him. He was anxious to get back to normal life, to be free of the doctors who poked and prodded, to have all the needles out of his skin.
For me, the time sped by, despite the constant agony of seeing him in the hospital bed, of knowing he was in pain and there was nothing I could do to alleviate any of it. This time was my secured time; it would be undeniably wrong to leave when he was still broken. I wanted to stretch out every second, even though they hurt. But they raced by me.
I hated the minutes I had to be away from him, while the doctors consulted with Jungkook and Eun, though it was easy enough to eavesdrop from the stairwell. Perhaps it was better sometimes; I couldn't always control my face.
That first day after he awoke, for example, when Dr. Sadarangani enthused over the X-rays, pleased at how clean the breaks were, how neatly they would heal, all I could see in that moment was the tracker's foot descending onto his leg. All I could hear was the crisp snap of his bones. It was good that no one could see my face then.
Revisiting what I had seen on the video that the monster, I dare not say his name, had made me caused a hellacious fire to build inside me. How I wished I could have allowed him to remain alive- enough for me to rip him to shreds over and over again. I would inflict the pain he had inflicted on Jungkook, my life. I'd play with him like a kid with a new Christmas toy. I'd rip his arms and legs off. Set fire to them. Put the fire out and reattach his body like you could with a regular human toy. I'd play with him for hours. Shredding, adding fire, reattaching....
So, yes, it was a good thing that I planted myself in the stairwell where no one could see my facial expressions.
He saw that his mother was restless, uneasy about a long-term substitute job at a Jacksonville primary school that would be given away if she wasn't available soon-but still determined to be with Jungkook while he was in Phoenix. It wasn't particularly hard for Jungkook to convince Eun he was just fine and that Eun should go back to Florida. His mother left two days before we did.
Jungkook was on the phone with Jaewoo often, especially after Eun left, and now that the danger was past, now that he'd had time to consider all the angles, he was beginning to be angry. Not at Jungkook, of course not. His anger was pointed in the right direction. After all, none of this would have happened if not for me. His burgeoning friendship with Jimin confused the issue for him, but I was sure what I would read in his quiet brain upon my return.
I tried to avoid more serious conversations with Jungkook. It was easier than I expected. We were rarely alone even after Eun left, a constant influx of nurses and doctors took his place and Jungkook was often drowsy from the medications. He seemed content enough that I was near. He didn't beg me again for guarantees. But at times I felt sure I saw the doubt in his eyes. I wished I could erase that doubt, that I could mean my promises, but it was better not to speak than to lie again.
