Hello Overcomer (A Battle to Depression)

HO 1

NEVER ONCE

I love making people happy.

I love seeing people at their happiest. The clown of the group- iyon ang sabi nila. I smiles a lot when I'm happy and even when I'm trying to be happy. Mas madali kase ang ngumiti na lang para hindi alam ng iba na may dinaramdam ka. Kapag malungkot ka, madami ang magtatanong kung bakit, at ayaw ko ng mahabang paliwanagan. It's easier this way.

They thought I was fine. They thought I have no problem. Nasanay naman na sila na happy go lucky lang ako, kaya kahit simpleng kamusta ay hindi na naitatanong sa akin, dahil sa paningin nila, Okay lang ako.

Okay lang ako. Pero hindi iyon totoo.

Pinipilit ko lang na ipakita na maayos lang ang lahat sa akin dahil ayaw ko na alalahanin pa ako ng iba. Naiintindihan ko na mayroon tayong kanya-kanyang buhay at mga problema. Ayoko na dumagdag pa sa isipin ng iba lalo na kung meron din silang kinakaharap.

I was the loudest at our friend's circle. The most talkative one. Alive and energetic. I smiled a lot. I always greeted everyone and I love asking how their day went.

I make sure that I give my best everyday. I was always there for the people that I love, I was there to make sure my friends didn't neglect school requirements, I was there as their one call away friend. I was there for everyone when they needed me. I always make myself available until I couldn't anymore.

There's nothing left for me to give.

I'm empty. And that's the saddest reality.

Gusto kong magpasaya ng iba dahil gumagaan ang kalooban ko kapag gumagawa ako ng mabuti sa kapwa. It makes me happy too. Even if it cost me my time, my effort.

Unti-unti akong umalis sa buhay ng mga taong nakapaligid sakin dahil baka ayawan nila ako nang wala na akong maibigay. Natakot na akong makibagay.

Natakot ako na baka paggising ko isang umaga na hindi na nila ako kailangan, hindi na ako ang kailangan.

I was betrayed a lot of times for being kind. I was blinded by my kindness na palagi akong nagre-reason out sa isip ko not to feel bad about them.

I still remember that one thing that hurts me when I was still freshman in college. It was the first time na bumukod ako sa pamilya ko dahil kinailangan kong magdorm malapit sa school ko sa Manila.

"Uto-uto yun", yan daw yung sabi ng tinuring kong kaibigan nung highschool ako sa karoommate ko sa dorm. Kapit bahay nila sa province yung itinuring ko na kaibigan. When I learned about it, I didn't talk to that so called friend anymore.

Masakit pala na yung trinato mo na kaibigan ay iba pala ang tingin sayo.

Tingin nila uto-uto ka sa paningin nila dahil palagi mong sinusunod yung pakisuyo nila sayo, ako naman si tanga, go lang dahil ayoko na may taong galit sakin. I love pleasing people. At yun ang isa kong malaking pagkakamali. Ang magtiwala ng lubos sa mga taong magaling lang pag may silbi ka, kapag may pakinabang sayo.

At the age of 15, wala akong maituring na totoong kaibigan, my idea of a friend was already tainted.

My smile wasn't the same anymore. I know something in me has changed. I couldn't put a name on it. All I know is that, I was hurt.

I distance myself because I was so afraid to get even more hurt to know the truth dahil baka hindi lang yun ang nasabi nila about sa akin. Ayoko na malaman pa kung sino yung iba na ganoon din pala ang tingin sa akin.

I smiled at everyone who said the most terrible things about me and they think I don't know what they did.

Never once I confronted anyone. Never once I asked them why they treated me that way, never once I told anyone how I truly feel because I have this fear that they won't like me anymore, only to realize that they never did, even from the very start.

For them, I was not their friend.

Never once.