Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Thirty-Five

Jonah's face clears with understanding once the entrance of the cemetery comes into view.

Lucy is playing with the dahlia she's holding in her hands. She's not quite picking at the petals—just softly rubbing them curiously. With Mom growing her own flowers in the backyard, she's long learned not to pick petals off flowers, not without permission. She's been learning a little bit about flower arrangements with Mom, and she was so excited when I told her to pick the flowers at the shop earlier.

I hand the rest of the dahlias, wrapped in a bundle with gift paper, over to Jonah, who wordlessly takes them. Then I pick Lucy up in my arms, before walking into the cemetery.

Finally, we stop at my brother's gravestone. I carefully crouch down, with Lucy still in my arms.

"C'mon, Lucy. Say hi to Mom and Dad," I request.

Lucy looks over at the stone, mumbles a small, "Hi," before returning her focus to the flower in her hands.

It breaks my heart how she's still unaware. Almost indifferent, even. Ever since she started calling me Mama, I've begun to introduce Kate and Tony to her as her mom and dad, desperately hoping that it'll stick. I've even started to show her pictures of them, telling her snippets of stories about them. So far, nothing has worked. She still doesn't understand that these are her parents. She still doesn't quite understand what it means, because as far as she's concerned, they don't exist.

I can't explain just how much it hurts my soul every time she calls me Mama. I never wanted to take Kate's place in her heart. I wish she didn't have to grow up without them. I wish they were still here with me.

I wish they got to see her grow up.

Jonah kneels beside me, lightly touching the patch of grass in front of the stone. Quietly, he says, "Hey, Tony. Kate."

"Lucy's here," I tell my brother and his wife. "She just went on an ice cream date with Jonah. You had fun, right, Lucy?"

Half listening, the little girl nods at the mention of her name.

I say to Jonah, in a quieter voice, "She doesn't understand, yet. We've been trying to—but it's hard. She's never met them." My breath shudders. "They never even got the chance to hold her."

I let her out of my lap so I can unwrap the flowers from the paper, but still keep one arm around her to make sure she doesn't stray anywhere. Jonah helps me out, laying the flowers on the grave with careful hands. When he looks up at me, there are tears in his eyes.

I smile back at him and press a kiss on his cheek. He looks down at Lucy, who's still playing with her dahlia. The tear falls from his eye.

I wipe my own with the back on my hand. "Kate was 32 weeks pregnant. They delivered Lucy, hoping it'll improve her chances. But she was brain dead after the delivery."

I fix my eyes on the little girl with Kate's small nose and Tony's dark hair. Our healthy little baby. Our miracle. My heart clenches, and I have to take a few deep breaths to stop myself from sobbing out loud.

"She was already a few months old when I finally met her for the first time. I have no idea why she calls me Mama. I never, ever even—insinuated that I was—" I shake my head. "I just don't deserve it."

"You're a really great mom," he whispers to me. "You do deserve it. And I know you'll do everything to keep Tony and Kate's memory alive."

I nod, my lips trembling. "I know. I will. I love her so much, Jonah. I just want what's best for her. I know one day she'll understand that her parents are gone, and it kills me to know that I can't spare her that pain."