Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Fifty-six

Trigger warning: Discussion of past suicidal ideation. Take care<3

A week before Christmas, our lawyers call to inform us that all the divorce paperwork is ready to be signed. Effective immediately, Freddie and I will be officially separated until a judge finalizes our divorce. That's when his team will release the news to the media—and that's the more nerve-wracking part.

My anxiety is at an all-time high, and my body has been reacting accordingly in anticipation—this is finally getting so real, and I'm all over the place about the end of my marriage. Of course I want this arrangement to finally end. But I can't help feeling guilty—as if I'm walking away from a friend.

My sleep has been restless, and the stress finally catches up to me. I've been down with a mild fever for the past week and even had to take a day off from teaching because my stomach wouldn't settle while waiting to hear from the lawyers. I kept expecting something to go wrong—like being found out that our marriage was an arrangement, or getting accused of insurance fraud, and everything falling apart. But it's fine—it's all just in my head. Everything is fine. Everything will be fine.

I'm on my way to Freddie's place now, and the walk feels a bit melancholy. I can't help but think back of the beginning of our marriage, how these streets became familiar to me in the best and worst ways posisble. Getting my diagnosis, then locked down in quarantine. The phone call that changed my life. Saying goodbye to Tony through the phone screen. Losing strands of my hair for the first time after a few weeks of chemo. A minor post-surgery complication that almost drove me to a dark abyss. Finally seeing pictures of Lucy for the first time, just a tiny, sick infant, and promising to myself that I'd try to get better so I'd get the chance to hold her—because I couldn't lose her too.

I wipe away a stray tear from the corner of my eye and take a deep breath before approaching Freddie's front door. I still have the keys, but the door opens before I'm even at the last step of the stairs.

"Hey," I greet Freddie with a smile.

He returns it easily. "Come on in."

It's just us here. After the final meeting with our lawyers last week, we agreed to sign the papers on our own. We needed to have this moment to ourselves, without being under their watchful eyes. Besides, I've got a feeling that Freddie's gonna get all sappy about it, and he might not want to have witnesses. And, who knows? Maybe I will get sappy, too. I'm feeling super emotional already—curse the fact that I just got my period this morning on top of everything.

"The documents are in the dining room. Figured my office would be too stuffy for this," Freddie says, taking my coat to hang on the coat rack. "Jonah still coming?"

"Later, but he sent us a good luck." He's been staying with me in my humble apartment in Brooklyn since we came back from Los Angeles, but he's currently filming a Christmas special for a colleague's food series on YouTube or something. He didn't really want to do it—it's not part of his contract with his cookbook release or anything, but his friend assured him that it would be low-key and nothing like a scripted cooking videos like he's used to, so he finally agreed.

Freddie pauses under the archway. "Wanna get into this straight away?"

I let out a huge sigh. "Might as well get it over with. Right?"

As we walk into the dining room, I toy with the diamond ring on my finger. This morning, I decided to wear it, just for the last time. I see the papers sitting on the dining table, all arranged neatly, but I cross the room and go for the tall windows instead.