Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Sixty

"It's not fair that I didn't get to have enough time with you."

My eyes drift toward the sky, failing to keep my tears at bay. Cold wind blows past, and I tighten my coat around me.

"Remember when I was a toddler, and I used to cry every morning whenever you went to school? Well, I didn't. But Leann told me how I did not want to be separated from you. At all. Apparently, it used to hurt her feelings back then," I laugh a little, "how obvious it was that I had a favorite sibling."

I smile sadly at the stone that marks Tony's final resting place. "You were always my favorite. I used to follow you wherever you go. Wanted to do everything you did. When I had a nightmare, you were the first person I'd go to in the middle of the night. You always let me climb up your bed for a cuddle, and even when you were asleep you'd wake up to tell me stories whenever I asked for them. You were... you were really great. You were a really great brother."

I pick at the grass under my legs. "I know you weren't perfect, but I still loved you. I wish you hadn't gotten drunk with your friends. I wish you'd called Leann that night, instead of me. You trusted me too much and I didn't want to let you down, and that was the only reason why I snuck out with Mom's car when you asked me to. I should've woken her up, but I didn't want you to be mad at me. I wish I hadn't crashed into that tree. I wish you hadn't run away from home. I wish I didn't have to lose all those years without you. I just... I just want more time. It's not fair that I had to lose you again. I can't get you back, this time."

Another tear falls from my eye. I've been crying so much in the past few weeks, my eyes are starting to dry up at this point.

"I wish I hadn't gone to New York. I wish I'd stayed home. Get a teaching job here. I wish you hadn't convinced me to go to school again. I wish I had been here when you died. I didn't get to say goodbye. I don't even remember what I said to you, on that last phone call. It was probably something stupid. I didn't think that would be the last time I ever got to hear your voice."

It didn't cross my mind that I would lose Tony so soon after that phone call. He didn't tell me that he was really ill. He told me it just felt like a common cold, and that he would probably be okay after a few more days. But then, one night, he had a seizure in his sleep, and Kate couldn't wake him up, and they were finally taken to the overcrowded hospital. It all just happened so quick. It took a long time for me to believe that he was really gone.

"I'm sorry that I don't visit often," I say quietly to the headstone. "It's just... hard, sometimes. I do think about you all the time. But being here... it just. Hurts. It really hurts. I thought I've gotten over it. It's been three years. But this morning I woke up with Lucy in my arms, and I thought about this baby that I never got to meet and then I thought about how you and Kate never got to meet your baby and I just... I had to see you. I had to be here and talk to you."

I scoff out a sad laugh. "It was not a baby. I know that. It was never gonna be. But my brain's still all confused about it. I don't exactly know what I'm sad about. I just am."

It's been a week since I was discharged from the hospital. I had to stay there for a while for observation—they needed to make sure there wasn't any further complications. I was too weak to be sent home, anyway—I could barely even walk, the first few days. My whole body lit up with pain as soon as the painkillers wore off.

And once I was allowed to leave, I went straight home to my parents' house. Christmas has come and gone while I was holed up in my bedroom. I haven't said anything to my parents about the loss of the non-baby. I don't know how to start, because even just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. They just think that I'm feeling down because of the divorce.