Drawing Blood

Chapter Thirty

I decided it was best not to inform Will about my plans for the rest of the day, mainly to give him time to process my decision about leaving. Not only did I think he wouldn't be able to handle it, but having two shocks in one day might be bad for his heart. I knew what I was about to do would send him over the edge.

I knew why I was doing it. But as I left the house and drove into town, I could not help but replay what had happened that morning. We did not speak after my little announcement. And I had assumed it was because he had nothing to say. I had gone about my business as usual, as though nothing out of the ordinary had occurred, and he had left the kitchen to inhabit the outhouse, taking his stuff with him. Maybe, he knew it had been coming. Maybe, he had been waiting for it. Yet, whatever he thought, he had kept to himself. It had been hurtful, that much I did know. But Will was Will. And that was his blueprint. That was his pattern. He would not change for anybody now, let alone depart from it.

I found it hard not to listen to my guilt, in those quiet minutes waiting for the lights to change. It was as though the shame of what I was about to do had fed it, fattened it up, over indulged it. I had come to a halt at a juncture, and suddenly everyone's eyes were upon me. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I began talking to myself.

"....You are embracing the traitor," I said, my voice stern. "Your allegiance has changed, and you are no longer the duty-bound daughter you promised to be. You ought to turn back. It is easier that way. That way you still have time to return to the roles you've created for yourselves. Things will remain the the same, if you did that. What you are about to do makes you a heathen. You are wicked. And people will point when they see you; your name escaping their lips in hushed tones as they spin tales of your deceit."

I put my radio on.

It was unsurprising my stomach was in knots, balancing on the edge of fear and excitement, when I left the car behind me to venture into the high street.

I was aware I was walking. And I was aware it was cold. But that was all I was aware of. If I were to look back on that moment, I would not be able to say whether the sky was grey or blue, or whether it was raining or not. I would only be able to say I remembered the blur of the shops and cars as they passed, my excuses for what I was about to do, consuming me. They scattered inside my head like bits of broken china, and I had given sight to every single one of them. I was thumbing through a rolodex of menus, flicking through the cards to find a course suitable to serve when Will grew hungry for answers. Woefully, I came to the conclusion that none of them would satisfy his appetite.

There did not seem to be a lot of people around. And thankfully, not many would have known me. It made my act of deception easier. The worst of the storms had passed, and there was no need for them to venture out and panic buy anymore, the frenzy of Christmas and New Year, long gone. I presumed everybody was hibernating until March, waiting for the first signs of spring. And like the bulbs in the ground which had been planted after the final frost of the year, they would re-emerge then, blossoming under the warmth of the sun and stretching their limbs lazily to inhabit the place once more. It was the kind of behaviour that never made any sense to me. It was one of those human habits I never understood. I huddled down into my coat. The winters here were terrible, worse than they were anywhere else, but I never ran from them. Personally, I thought it was best to embrace them, as though they were an old friend, seeking solace and comfort in the arms of the dark days and even darker nights.

The store was practically empty when I wandered in around lunchtime. I had stalled before going there, not wanting to seem eager, not knowing what to do. I had wasted some time peering through the window of the estate agents next door, daydreaming, before enquiring about a few properties. Then, I had gone to Benny's and had a coffee for Dutch courage. And afterwards, the record store. I knew I had to be careful, I was close to Maud's antique shop. It would only take one second for her to glance out of the door to see where I was heading, and a bomb would explode in Will's lap. Because of this, I had deliberately chosen to put my hood up, shielding myself from her prying gaze when she did come out, staring down at my feet as I passed her by.