clintasha oneshots

Any Way I Do

Natasha and Clint marry just as stealthily as they do everything else.

Tony's first hint comes a couple months after Natasha gets out of the hospital after a close call with the latest SHIELD enemy. An elaborate scheme to get Tony to build her her own arc-reactor, he accuses her later. Instead, he builds her a suit of armour – smaller and significantly less awesome than his own. She refuses to wear it, whining that it's too conspicuous. Tony thinks it's less conspicuous than a gaping chest wound. And he should know.

Natasha heads back to the field, sneaking off to lie to someone or get lies out of someone, or lie about lies, all that fun lying stuff.

Tony sneaks into her bathroom and takes copious advantage of her skincare products. She doesn't pay rent, so technically she owes him. Pepper told everyone the one time he used hers. Thor didn't understand, but Steve, Clint, and Bruce thought it was hilarious and amused themselves impugning his masculinity for the rest of the day.

He finds the object next to the sink: a single gold ring hooked over the tail of tiny silver cat figurine. Weird. Natasha doesn't wear much jewellery unless her cover requires it. Once she tried to garrotte Tony with a necklace, though, so he's okay with it.

He's never noticed her wearing it, either, but it's not like he looks at her hands all that often. She has other, more appealing body parts.

Some other stuff happens around this time that Tony only connects later.

Thor shows up with a bunch of runes tattooed on his ass. He excitedly shows Tony, and the rest of the house, by bounding around the house completely naked. Thor tries to explain what they mean, but it doesn't really matter, since as far as Tony knows it means a giant immortal ass waggling in his face first thing in the morning. He sets up a new security protocol to keep rampaging naked Gods out of his room.

Later, Thor wants to know if The Other Guy would show up if Bruce got a tattoo.

"I don't know," Bruce says, and shrugs. "I don't want a tattoo. Especially on my ass."

Tony pokes him in the arm with a pen, and nothing happens. "I think we're good," he says. "Want me to hold him down, Thor?"

Bruce backs away and locks himself in his lab, because he is no fun.

Then Steve starts asking his usual questions about American society since he became a Popsicle. This time, he wants to know if marriage is still a thing.

"Yeah," Tony reassures him. "Marriage still exists. As does divorce, fortunately."

Steve doesn't seem satisfied, not even when Tony tells him premarital sex is allowed now. "And gay stuff, too," Tony offers, which makes Steve turn bright red. "Whichever one you're thinking about doing," Tony warns, "prenup. Make sure you get one of those."

"I'm not getting married," Steve says. "I wouldn't even know how," he trails off. Tony thinks he might have been watching too much The Bachelor.

"I know how!" Thor says, excited because he can't usually contribute to these conversations. "You go the place of governance," he tells Steve, earnestly. "You and your beloved take vows before a man of the justice and the peace."

Tony squints at him. "That's not insanely wrong," he says, confused.

"With a witness," Thor continues, "who signs the parchment and promises to tell no one. This is an honoured task."

"Why can't you tell anyone?" asks Steve, looking baffled and a little sad.

"None of that serum made it into your brain," Tony says. "Not even a drop of it, huh?"