Dissolution Detachment

Chapter 2 ~ Darkness

Ohm POV:

What if you fell in love with the wrong person? Because it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Nanon and I are supposed to be partners like our seniors OffGun and TayNew.

We are not supposed to have to start over like our seniors, Krist and Singto.

Krist now has a new partner in Gawin. Everyone knows that Gawin doesn't do ships, and fans don't ship him, respecting his choices in all the different projects he does with all sorts of different people. So, in the end, Krist is on his own.

We all love them and respect their decisions. They are still great friends, just on different paths.

We weren't meant for things to end this soon, this quickly.

My past was supposed to stay there. It all happened so long ago, so many years ago.

After our show was such a success, and all the happiness that happened afterward, you would think we would ride it out together for years to come.

In the end, we only did two shows together and one movie, which everyone kept us separate as much as they possibly could on the movie.

It was rather insulting, to be honest, like what people expect me to do, hurt him? They should be ashamed of themselves for that, though. I might fuss or raise my voice, but I wouldn't ever hurt Nanon.

He was my best friend, and I miss him. I only wanted answers because I didn't understand.

I made mistakes in the past and did the wrong thing, but I was young and stupid. Doesn't everyone make mistakes when they are young?

I had a decent career before Nanon and almost left BL, but he wanted to come, so the director convinced me to stay since it was him. Maybe that was a mistake. We can't ever know.

Now, he doesn't ever do BL, and it is now such a joke that he still even comes around and tries to hang out with the other BL actors. I know some do both, which I am now starting to do, too, but it is such a mockery with him.

I just finished a project with Perth. We played brothers and became close friends over music. He is a good guy, but I know he is partners with Chimon, who is still best friends with Nanon.

It used to be the three of us, like a band of brothers: Chimon, Nanon, and me. We even let Perth be in our close net group in the end since he knew Nanon from college and was partnering with Chimon. Perhaps a little late, though.

Before it broke all to shit, everything was great, going to events, the four of us, no one being left out anymore.

Then some toxic fans, wanting to kill my career, brought up every little bad thing I did or said wrong. Stuff I already faced consequences to all came back up. With that, all was over; I get it, I really do, but when your own best friend walks away from you over your past that they had nothing to do with, it hurts.

It hurts uncontrollably, and I face a new depression every day. It is like I walk on eggshells all day around everyone, not knowing who will be friendly and professional, or when I will be politely asked to leave, or just separated from everyone.

I now choose to be alone, and it's what's best for everyone. To save everyone's career, I now choose to be alone.

The depression gets to me sometimes, and I have episodes where I picture myself throwing myself down stairs, or other awful things. I have terrible thoughts of how better a life everyone could have if I simply stopped existing; everything for everyone's life will be better.

The only reason I snap out of these episodes is my real family convincing me it is not worth it to start over and get a new manager since my current one doesn't have time for me. I keep thinking it over; maybe they are right. I am so tired and sad of having the dark episodes.

Some feel bad for me and try to include me, on camera in things. I will be polite and accept the offer, but once all the cameras go off, no one can see me; I quickly slip away so no one has to ask me to leave. I know, in reality, no one really wants me around anymore.

I had a long BL career, but everyone left in the end. I have had 3 official ships. 

The first one with Toey, he left since he was straight with a girlfriend, made fans think I was the toxic one.

The Second was actually Singto. He didn't want to ship with me and chose Krist instead. In the end, though, he left the company, is only friends with the seniors, and wants nothing to do with me.

The third and last was Nanon. Perhaps we were toxic to each other. I was too clingy, and he was too straight. Often dating this girl or that. I should have watched myself with my actions, but our close friendship got the better of me. Ultimately, we had to be separated after a very public argument at a small fan meeting after an event. After some time, we made up and had one last fan meeting concert, saying our goodbyes, though everyone on camera at the time didn't realize it was our goodbyes.

After that, it was never the same. We couldn't communicate right, always needing separating. Eventually, it wasn't allowed to this day for us to be next to each other, or authorized to speak to one another.

Perhaps one day, off camera, away from toxic fans and just all fans, we can repair our friendship to some degree. 

My whole career is over, just like that, thrown in the trash. Some tell me I should have spoken up quicker, and my company should have said something. They say this, they say that.

What would that prove, though? Nothing will change once it is all out there for people to judge, not knowing the full stories, no matter what is said. People are unforgiving and tend not to forget no matter what anyone says.

Maybe I am the problem. I can't really decide. I hear fans say that I am the problem since it's weird it is happening to me again. Perhaps they are right.

Perth, though, is something else. I know he has had it rough before coming to my company. Perth has tried to get me to open up, but I refuse to involve his new career here with me. It is not a brilliant idea, and I don't need my negative presence to affect him.

My family convinced me to meet with a new manager named Brother Yui tomorrow. I don't want to go, but I know if I don't do something soon, this darkness will consume me in the worst way while I sit here on my bathroom floor, alone, drinking another beer with tears flowing down my face and throwing an empty bottle against the wall.

Chimon and Perth have tried calling, but I don't dare answer to hear concern and worry. They left voicemails saying they got calls and were told I needed to see this new manager. A new project this new manager has could be good for me with someone they want me to meet who's new to our company. They just don't get it. I can't keep going through friends and projects while my mental health is at rock bottom.

This darkness is all too consuming.

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Thank you for reading and leaving feedback, and please vote.

Ann

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Written: 9.23.23 Updated: 10.19.23