Never The End

Part 1

This has to be the third time this week. I'm lying here with a pounding headache and enough bruises that my own friends wouldn't be able to recognize me.

That is if I had any.

I don't blame the people who were once in my life for walking out on me. I've made a lot of mistakes, hurting the people I love in the process. No matter how hard I try to fix things, I just manage to royally screw everything up. I'm the reason for all of this, I'm worthless, and I have nothing.

There's only one thing left in this world that I fight for, and at this point I'm not sure if I'm even doing the right thing.

Slowly my eyes drift closed, as I concentrate on my breathing. My body screams for rest but my mind races with anxiety and the possibility of danger being just around the corner. I shouldn't be worried. I'm in my apartment. I finished my job. It's over.

I shift my head to the side to glance at the clock sitting on my rundown nightstand, the broken leg causing the small table to sit lopsided. A bright glowing green light tells me it's 2:37am.
The throbbing pain in my head increases from the neon light. I sigh. The pain in my ribs and body aches, and courses through me like lightning with every movement I make. A sharp pain in my side causes me to flinch. Breathing out a shaky breath, I stare up at my ceiling.

The plaster texture on the ceiling hides past damages from previous inhabitants of the apartment. Pale, thin strips of light peer through the curtains hanging by my window, shielding me from the outside world, only bits peaking in.

I need a shower. The dirt and grime that coats my body rubs uncomfortably against my skin. I place my hands beside me before pushing myself into a sitting position. My muscles ache and scream for me to stop. Tonight was probably the worst in a while.

My tired legs slip over the edge of the bed touching the floor. My boots that I hadn't bothered to remove send a thumping sound echoing through the cold, dark room as they collide with the old wooden floor. As I stand the floor beneath me groans from my weight. I walk across the small room I've grown accustomed to over the past few years. Pushing open the bathroom door, I enter.

As I flick on the light I squeeze my eyes shut from the harsh light that rushes into the room, filling the small space with an eerie golden glow. My eyes shift away from the mirror not wanting to face the unrecognized man that stands on the other side.

As quickly as I can, I get into the shower. The scalding water burns my back as I stand under the harsh flow of the water. The fan above me screeches and rattles from its years of use. I wonder if it'll break.

Scrubbing my scalp and body, I clean myself of a hard day's work. If you could call it that. The dried blood and dirt blend into a cursed puddle on the shower floor beneath me before running down the drain, never to be seen again. Just like my worth. Like my freedom.

I stand for a while under the searing hot water before it begins to run cold. I groan as the once burning liquid turns icy. Turning the water off, I step out and dry myself off, slightly annoyed that my calming shower had been cut short.

I put on a pair of black sweatpants and a stained white T-shirt. Water drips from my dark hair onto the dirty tiles of my bathroom floor. As I walk past my bathroom mirror my bright eyes catch my reflection for a moment. A deep dark bruise sits around my left eye, my lip is split and a red mark is wrapped around my neck. I grimace at my appearance. Shame washes over me.

When did it all get so bad? When did my life turn into this?  I can't even stand to look at myself anymore. Why do I continue on? Although I already know the answer as to why I'm continuing on through this nightmare. It's my fault, and I have to pay for it.

Painfully I walk over to my bed. I lay down on the cool sheets, the comfort it brings my body isn't enough to call my mind to sleep. My thoughts dig their claws into my mind, reminding me of everything I've done.

My mossy green eyes lazily glance at the clock beside me once again. The bright numbers read 3:10am. I take a deep breath regretting it instantly as a sharp pain pierces my ribs. I wince, clutching my fists. After a moment the pain resides. I sigh, relaxing my body as best I can.

I need sleep. The cold sheet below me and the soft blanket around me comforts my aching body. Closing my eyes I allow the demons of my past to invade my nightmares that are sure to come. The nightmares I am responsible for.

A soft buzzing causes my eyes to flutter open, awakening me from a deep sleep. My eyebrows scrunch together as I suck in a deep breath. I reach my arm above my head stretching carefully, painfully aware of my strained muscles.

Buzz. Buzz.