Paint Me (GXG) ✒️

28

I found myself staying up at night and ending up crying. I would wake up with really puffy eyes, making my roommates ask me what was wrong and if I was 'feeling fine', which I would always reply 'yes' to, faking a distant smile if possible. Some days, when I was too weak to fake a smile, I'd simply nod. Inoma hasn't told me, and I am sure she wasn't planning on telling me, but I knew that my roommates had been talking about me and how I had started behaving differently, like I was going through an extremely tough time. They would sometimes talk about how they knew my smile was fake. I would hear them when I step out of the room or when I am returning to the room. I had once encountered a conversation where one person had said that it was a bad idea to get back with an ex, that they became an ex for a reason. Someone else in the room replied that, it could be hard to do that when you truly love the person. Another person gave their own opinion about how one should never go back to their vomit, and that was how one could truly acquire peace of mind. I wanted to burst into the room and tell them to mind their business, because they weren't in my life and didn't know what I was truly going through. Fareedah couldn't even be considered an ex, as we hadn't even gotten the opportunity to simply love and care for each other. All we ever did was show affection, express it and then separate. But, I was way too weak to have that conversation, ha kwesịrị hapụ m aka, biko (they should leave me alone, please).

Inoma and Topher knew the full story, but they made no effort to speak of it. I had told them of her breakdown the day after our first kiss, and how I had planned to keep her a 'just a friend'. Even though I had told them before, to shed more light, I had told them again. Inoma explained to me that, if I wanted to achieve that with the way I felt for her, I had to give her a big gap and reduce her to an acquaintance, not a friend. Our conversations shouldn't go beyond 'hi' and 'hello'. I understood. But, Topher also tried to explain how I shouldn't let go so easily, as it seemed like she had her own demons she was dealing with. "I have mine too," I replied him. "But yet I am not letting it hurt her."

"I am not saying yours are non-existent; all I am saying is that in relationships, a lot of patience matters. She seems like she is going through a lot right now, a lot you yourself do not know about because she is carrying all the burden herself, and that alone can weigh her down. I know that this might seem like a lot right now, but it could pay off in the long run. I am not saying that you shouldn't let her go, I am saying you shouldn't let go so easily. She is in a sunken place and is probably hoping you will pull her out."

I hated the fact that I understood everything he said, and was suddenly consumed by a sense of selfishness. I felt so inconsiderate, and soon I had forgotten how wretched I had been some days to about a week ago. I had spent some time that night hovering over her number, almost unblocking her, but in that same moment, I was reminded of how I felt. It really was best that we were apart and go back to being strangers. I blame the day I approached her. If I hadn't, she would probably still have her peace, and I probably wouldn't be going through as much hurt as I was at the moment.

The semester had begun to get serious, as so has most of us. I wasn't one to miss class, but after missing almost two weeks' worth of class, I decided it was time to wake up. It was my second to the last year in school, I couldn't afford ruining my grades at that crucial point in my life. Every score counted. Gradually, I had begun to get distracted from the thoughts of her, even though I sank back into a deep, dark place filled with thoughts of her at night, my days weren't so bad.

It was like my head wasn't a fan of peace, because as I had begun to do 'well' about three to four weeks later, I began seeing what looked like Fareedah's Benz around my hostel side. I often quickly look away, so I won't be tempted to see if she was truly the one and then stupidly approach her. Exams were approaching, and I really needed a clear head to pass my papers well. I didn't want to have to explain to my parents why I didn't do well and what I was doing in school. Unfortunately for me. I had made eye contact with her on an unfaithful day, which made my breath cease and my body tense. I hadn't even had class that day, I simply stepped out to get food, and on returning, there she was, packed close to my hostel. I quickly averted my gaze, walking into the hostel like I hadn't seen her. My heart began racing, beating uncontrollably, and my knees became weak. It was like I was going to collapse on the floor at any moment, but I made it to the room. Luckily for me, there was no one in the room apart from Inoma. I had immediately broken down, kneeling and placing my head on the bed when I dropped my food on the floor. "Enyi m, kedu ihe na-eme (My dear, what is wrong)?" Inoma had asked, sitting up as she placed her right palm on my back. "Did something remind you of her again?"