Dan Howell // imagines

You are Loved

You are Loved

By theboysonmymind on tumblr.

Word count: 1,120

Trigger Warning: Suicidal
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"How wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying"

-MCR
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Dan's P.O.V
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It was an average day, like every other. The world was spinning, like it had always done. People all over the planet laughed, cried, smiled, fought, danced, living their lives. It was just a normal day, on planet earth. But to me it felt like the end of the world. I was overwhelmed with sadness. My heart felt like it shattered. Stabbing me in every vital organ. My head as dizzy, and it felt like it weighed a million pounds. I clenched my hand over my heart. It was tightening, my stomach was churning. My blood began to race, and my senses were blurred. I wanted to scream out but my voice was silent. Tears began streaming down my face, making my lips taste like salt and my pain just ached more and more. It was overwhelming. This emotion, this feeling when your emotions and thoughts hurt so bad that your body actually feels literal pain in response. My fingers ached from clenching them so hard, my nails digging into my palms. I stared at the wall before me. I was broken. I was crumbling from the pain.

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Your P.O.V
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Where was he? Oh god, Oh god, where was he? I clenched my phone tight reading the text message that was in my hand. "I'm sorry." It read. "Dan, No Please, no." I cried sobbing running down the street. I burst into his house running around looking for him. "Please God, Please universe, I don't want to be too late." I ran to the bathroom tugging on the door, "Dan!" I screamed. I heard a groan, "You're not supposed to be here..." he said softly. "Let me in!" I yelled banging on the door. I looked around feeling above the door hinge for a key. Got it. I grabbed the key and unlocked the door bursting into the bathroom. He was in the tub, holding bottles of pills. "Dan..." I said crying grabbing the bottles of pills and throwing them across the room. "Dan..." I cried and I hugged him. He looked up at me and started to cry. "Why did you stop me?" he cried. "Why did you want to die Dan?" I screamed. "Why did you want to die! Why didn't you talk to me! Why didn't you try talking to me! You know I would listen to you if you needed me! But you just kept everything to yourself!" I screamed wiping my eyes hugging him tight.
"I'm fucking scared okay?"he yelled at me, choking on his words."We live in this great big world and all around us are these fucking people our age doing fucking amazing things, or theres the opposite and they are getting married or doing drugs really young. Then you have me and I'm just this kid stuck in between the great and the bad and I'm scared of failing and disappointing the universe! I didn't want to burden anyone! Everyone has these goals and fucking plans then you have me sitting here in a bathtub not knowing what I want to do with my life! I see so many people who are in pain, I want to save them all but I can't even save myself, I can't even pick myself off of the ground to figure out my life. Time is moving by fast and I'm just standing still, and I'm afraid that's all I'll ever be!"

I stared at him. Not saying a word. He scoffed and messed with his hair staring at the drain. He was human, just like me and everyone else. He understood the world and the rules and the things we managed to pull together to make sense of things. He was scared of the world. He was scared he was going to live a life he didn't want to live. I pulled his face close to mine. "I know you're scared of life, and I know you are scared of living. But I know you want to live. Not everyone's the same. You are worth the world. You are important, and you aren't going to hurt yourself Dan. I won't let you. Because you might leave an important mark on this planet and you just don't know it yet. You see the world for what it really is. Not everyone can do that, some are too dense, some are too naive, but you aren't. You see it. I see it. I see and know about the shit people go through, I feel weak because I want to save everyone, and I can't. I know exactly how you feel Dan. But the world has so much in store for you, you're way too young to even know what it has in store, so please wait a bit longer. I promise you, I promise you your life will get better Dan. You just have to try. You have one life and it's up to you to change to make it better and how good of a time you have." I said looking into his eyes. He looked away. We were silent for a while. I watched him, as he sat there quietly thinking..."What if it doesn't?" He said. "It will. Theres always a low point in life, that's just how things are, but I promise you that life will get better." I said. He looked up at me, and stared. "Why do you care so much about me?" he asked. I looked at him. "Dan, even if you think there is no one on this planet who loves you, who cares about you. You're wrong. There is always, always at least one person who cares...." I paused. I looked at him and started crying. "I don't know how I could survive, to be honest without you, you're my best friend, you have saved me before not realizing it..." I wiped my tears. "I love you..Dan..." I choked. He stared at me wide eyed, and hugged me. He wiped my face and looked at me. "I...I love you too." He said. We stared at each other, crying and smiling at each other. "Thank you..." he whispered. "Please, don't ever think you don't matter..." I whispered back at him. "You have no idea how much you are worth to the world, you are my world...but you have no idea what your life has in store, so please, please, don't ever try to end your life before you find out..." I said. "I'm sorry..." He said to me. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly. "I love you, Dan. I love you so much." I cried, "I love you too..." he said, and kissed me, I pulled him close and kissed him back.