𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐏 𝐘𝐎𝐔 - 𝖩.𝖦 𝖷 𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖣𝖤𝖱 -

𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑 - where are you?

- y/n POV -

𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐊𝐄𝐏𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐀 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐂𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐀𝐍 𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐑...Ava had bailed me out, and it was rolling around to about 1 in the morning. None of my intentions were set on going back to jakes place. So I ended up just going to Ava's house, and once I did, she went straight to bed. I laid quietly on the couch, barely moving on inch when all of the sudden my phone started to buzz.

I tried to ignore the buzzing, but the sensation in my pocket was driving my irritation further. I pull my phone out and checked to see who it was, and of course, Jake was spamming me with texts, and an unknown number was texting me as well. I put in my password and checked to see what he was saying. 'Where are you?' It was the same thing over and over again.

'I'm at a friends.' I texted back vaguely, leaving out the other parts of tonight, afraid of what he might say. I scroll out of the chat, and click on the unknown numbers text.

'Hey I'm Jakes girlfriend, Tara, I'm sure Jake has mentioned me. Where are you?' I had told her the same thing I had told Jake. After I had responded to their texts, I turned off my phone, not wanting to answer the following up questions. I sat there trying to explain to myself, and figure out how I was feeling at the moment.

It felt like guilt was caving in on my chest, and it felt very heavy. No matter how many times I tried to shake off that feeling, it didn't stop, it only escalated until I just let the emotions run through me. It's not like I want to be this way —I'm just like this— it's apart of me I can't erase, and all I can do is just embrace it.

All I can do is welcome it with open arms, because no matter how much times I try to run from my impulsivity. It just lurks behind me wherever I go, and all I can do to get rid of that, is taking it out by doing drugs, because that spilt second, where clarity rushes through me, I feel at peace. there came a drug, that changed me, and I became dependent on it.

The only way I can withhold my sanity, this everlasting dreadful feeling that just won't go away, is drugs or fighting. Not a lot of people get me, they just see what they want to see. Which is a girl, who's careless, and untrustworthy of making adult decisions. What they don't see is the fight I'm having with my mind, the urge to just give up, and stop living.

I have very little hope for the future, and very little hope for myself.

What is wrong with me?

.

.

.

It was morning and I was approaching Jake's house, and not a single thought had crossed my mind. I didn't want to think about anything really, I just wanted to walk in there with an empty mind, and no feelings whatsoever. I opened the door and made my way inside, nobody was in the house, everything seemed so quiet.

I sigh in relief when I see nobody, I make my way up the stairs and into Johnnie's room since my purse was In there. I opened the door skillfully, careful not to wake him up if he was potentially sleeping. Once the door had opened wider, I saw that he was just editing a video. He hasn't even noticed me, so I came to the conclusion to just grab my purse and go downstairs.

I walk over to the couch, and grabbed my purse. "Holy shit!" His scream echoed through the room, my whole body jumped and I had dropped my purse on the floor. Everything spread out and I groaned, I kneeled down on the floor and started to put everything back in the purse. "Where have you been? Jake was pretty worried y'know? Don't give me the excuse that you were at your friends because your makeup is smeared and there's a hole in your shirt."

"Well I was at a friend's, and that's the only answer your going to get, so quit asking!" I snap, and he just sits there in disbelief. I not only hated when people asked questions they already knew the answer to, because it seems like they're trying to be smug about it, or have some egotistical strong belief that they know everything.

"Help me, help you. I don't fully understand where you're coming from, but I'd like to get your perspective on things. We're going to be around each other for awhile so just open up a bit. I know your irritated because you don't want help, but nothings wrong with at least trying to explain what's happening." I was a bit taken back with his response, it was like my heart yearned to pour out all my secrets, and the deepest darkest thoughts that I keep hidden was threatening to spill out from my mouth.

"We've known each other for what? Three days? And you think we have some unbreakable bond?" My body screamed to stop, but it was like first instinct. To push the people who love me, away, and people who want to get to know me better, away. Though I don't exactly enjoy this part of myself, but I know in my heart, that if I get involved with him, it'd only break my heart.

A long time ago, I swore to myself to not let people in anymore, since it was doing nothing but hurting me. People have made some erasable, but noticeably large scars on me, but I suppose that's just how life is. Johnnie was the first person to see me for how I was feeling, not by my actions, and that hurt a lot. I tried to act tough, and keep this glare on my face.

But my face was slowly starting to loosen up. My face not holding a glare, but a pleading look of despair that was strange, and out of character, from my usual self. I was still sitting on the floor, so I scooted back, and now was leaning on the couch for some support. Tears started to glaze my eyes, threatening to spill out, and I tried to squeeze my eyes shut, but it didn't work. I hung my head low and started to grab handfuls of my hair.

The worst part about having bpd, is the overflow of emotions. If I'm feeling sad, it hits me like a ton of bricks, If im feeling angry, I feel snappy and completely alone, which makes me feel no source of sadness when I snap at people. Though afterwards I'll start to cry, breakdown, and hit myself when I split on people.

"it's okay," I hear his voice, and it sounded like a melody I was dying to hear again. His voice held a certain tone that drives me insane, but at the same time held a comfort to my damaged soul. "Am I allowed to touch you?" I eagerly nod my head, and he sat beside me on the floor. He wraps one of his arm's around me and I rest my head upon his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry."

"For what y/n? Crying? Don't be sorry about that."