𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐏 𝐘𝐎𝐔 - 𝖩.𝖦 𝖷 𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖣𝖤𝖱 -

𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 - back to what I know

- Y/N POV -

𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐈 𝐀𝐌, 𝐘𝐄𝐓 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍...using my hands to scrunch up my hair. I pull, and I pull to get the thoughts out of my mind —as tedious as it sounds— it worked. For those split seconds of pulling my hair, clarity had filtered my thoughts. Though those clarity thoughts only last me a few seconds, before they come back more harsh.

Johnnie and Jake had left the house for a few hours to stream. Jake trusted me to stay home, and not to get into anything. It's not like I'm dying to be like this, I am like this, and it's apart of me, it'll always be apart of me. I crave liquor like a necessity such as breathing air. I crave drugs like a mandatory prospect of my life, such as drinking water. It has always been in my life, and been first instincts.

I don't want to carelessly ruin all my progress just because my emotions are driven towards feeling that euphoria again. I don't want to do it, but it felt like my body was moving on its own. My hands started to thrash the cabinets looking for some whiskey, or any sort of alcohol. I didn't feel a thing when I looked through those cabinets, it was almost as if my body was moving on auto pilot.

I found a bottle that was full, and for a moment when my hand touched that bottle, it felt like my hand was on fire. That burning feeling made my mind snap awake for the first time, and I could see what I was doing. My consciousness screamed, 'you have people to think about now, it was okay when you were alone, but now there's people you have to think of.' I pushed it aside and I reluctantly drank it.

Once I had the first sip, it felt like everything was now okay. Now that I could taste, touch, and feel the guilty pleasure, I was okay again. Before I knew it, my lips touched the rim of the bottle again, but this time I was chugging it down like my life had depended on it. If I was going to drink, I was going to drink until I couldn't think anymore.

If I was going to drink, I was going to get drunk, and not have to see the angry glances people were going to throw at me when they saw me. I didn't want to endure their piercing eyes, or their hateful comments, because they don't understand. No matter how many times I have an ounce of hope of humanity that they understand me, their loving eyes is washed away as soon as I touch the bottle.

If they did understand, they would understand that I don't want to be like this.

.

.

.

"Hey Leo!" I excitingly say, as I take another sip of the bottle. "Why did you decide to come here?" I question as I drunkenly stand up, and my body felt so unbelievably heavy. It swayed from side to side, making me feel dizzy. I went towards the cabinet and saw that they had graham cracker bears, almost making me feel nostalgic. I grab the container and sat down, before I fell down.

"You called me, and I noticed you were drunk. Y/n don't you understand how worried you make me feel. Ava is also here she's taking a moment before she comes in here." My mind was so forgetful and filled with nothingness, I could hardly keep up with the words he spoke. It took a moment before it registered in my mind, but I couldn't feel what he wanted me to feel.

"I'm not doing anything," I talk while my mouth is full of crackers, and it felt like I was blacking out every few seconds. This wasn't new to me one bit, I'll get so drunk, I can hardly do anything. I felt Leo harshly pull the crackers out of my arms and I almost hit my head on the table. "If you wanted some you could have just asked." I mumbled out and he looked at me with a disappointed look. "What? You have to ask before taking!"

I wasn't drunk enough to not feel discouraged about others looks. My lip quivered and I went to grab the bottle again, but Ava grabbed it first. "No more y/n, okay? You need to get help." In my mind, I know she meant it in a way she cares, but in my drunken state, I couldn't comprehend that. As quick as I was happy, turned into anger.

Help, she wants me to get help. For years I have been screaming help, in ways people don't understand. I'll do drugs, I'll get into fights, I'll maybe even get drunk! Doesn't that show enough that I'm desperately screaming for help in my own sort of way. My face had twisted and I know they picked up on that. "You know we don't mean it in a bad way-." He tried to put his hand on mine but I yanked my hand away.

"You know I'm not as strong as you guys! I can't- I'm not built to just take it one step at a time, I can't even do things properly, I can't even be a human properly! The wires in my brain are all plugged in wrong! And I feel like whatever I do, it's not going to be enough for me to quit. It feels like the- the whole world is falling on my shoulders, and I just- I just can't." I cry out and their face softens and they both rush over and hug me. I embrace them back, with as much force as they were embracing me with. We sat there for a few minutes and they were lightly humming.

Leo still held onto me tightly but Ava left the embrace to analyze my facial expressions. "The first thing we're going to do is take you to our house. We don't want you to get in trouble for this, you slipped up, that's okay. There's going to be slip ups, but when you're feeling like that, for the love of god..." He pauses for a moment and pulls back, still holding onto my shoulders with his hands. Ava puts her hand on my shoulder gently.

"Tell us." She finishes his sentence and I look back at him and he nods. I nod at them both, letting them know I understand. Ava ran upstairs to get some of my things, as Leo helps me to the car. I was trying to regulate my breathing as I was starting to get what they meant by getting help. I started to understand what the hell just happened, and what I had just did.

"Listen, it's okay. I'm not holding you accountable for it, it's a tough addiction to break free from, but we'll be here with you." He spoke as he placed me in the passenger seat, and he goes into the drivers seat. Ava rushed out of the house and into the backseats.

"Leo go! Jake and Johnnie's car is just down the street. I saw it when I looked out the upstairs window!" Leo quickly stepped on the gas, and Ava looked like a mess in the mirror.

"Don't worry y/n, we won't let them know what happened," She tells me from the backseat, and I look back at her with watery eyes. "Don't cry on me man! I'll start to cry and my makeup is going to smudge!" She lightly taps under her eyes and a singular tear fell down my face.

"I love you Ava."

"I love you to y/n."

"Guys I know your having your moment and shit, but your brother is literally going to kick our asses if he finds out!"