Why I couldn't save her

2 black 'n lacey

Creaak. Fuck. The floorboard creates the unmistakeable sound of being walked on. I freeze and I hear no one stir, I'm safe. I slip down the stairs to my room (aka the basement) and lie Lilo on my bed.

I check my phone, it's 12:30, my curfew time exactly. Not as late as I thought. Lilo stirs and curls up with her knees to her face. Her breathing steady, her nose occasionally making a little whistling noise. Why am I watching her sleep... I'm such a creep.

I wish she wouldn't always get high and drunk at parties. I wish her depression wasn't so hard on her and she didn't hurt herself. I wish she would stop doing this to herself, she's slowly destroying her world. The worst part is, I don't know how to fix her.

"Lilo? Are you awake?" I practically whisper to her. She rolls over and moans quietly, close enough to an answer.

"You need to changed into something you can sleep in and you know it" I say. I tug on her arm and she swats me away weakly.

"Too tired Lukeyy" she groans letting her arm fall onto the bed. I see the faint pink scars on her slightly tanned skin and feel sick in the stomach. Don't think about it.

I lift her up and slip off her chunky heels, I put them near the door. She sways her head slightly when I turn around.

"Lil pill, can you change into t-shirt?" I look through my cupboard near the other side of my room. I grab a black all time low shirt and some old red boxers for her to wear. They should be comfy enough.

"Can you do iiit" she pouts kicking her feet.

"Finee" I sigh. It feels wrong undressing her when she's like this, it makes me think about her in a 'interesting' way. I can't help it but it still makes me feel awful.

I slip off my hoodie that I put on her earlier up over her head and toss it to the corner of my room. Now the hard part. I unzip her tight little black dress at the back and she slips her arms out of the spaghetti straps. I quickly as possibly slip her dress off down her hips and legs placing it on the bed.

"Hey look Lukeyy, my bra and undies match!" Lilo beams poking at her chest. I can't help but look and oh my- I gotta put a shirt over her now.

"I'm black AND lacey" she happily smiles like a kid who just got icecream. I feel a problem happening in my pants and I feel my face get hotter.

"Uhh-umm v-very pretty" I stutter, keeping my head down. I slip the shirt over her body and she pokes her arms through the sleeves, the whole time she giggles delightedly.

"Stand up" I order so she can slip into the boxers. The shirt goes halfway down her thighs and I can just see an inch or so of the boxers. All my clothes are MASSIVE on her.

Thankfully, now there's not as much skin. Not saying that it's a bad thing but yeah. It's a bad thing

"Thanks Lukey" she stands on her tip toes and hugs me tightly around the torso. She's not quite tall enough to reach around my neck. She snuggles into my chest.

"It's alright Lilo. I'm always here when you need me" I put my arms around her back. She reaches up and pulls my face down gently and gives me a big kiss on the cheek.

"Sleepy time" I chuckle putting Lil's clothing on the back of my spinning desk chair that I dont even sit on properly, like ever. She crawls into my bed and slips under the doona. She grabs a pillow and wraps her arms around it like she always has since she was a five, Cutie. I slip into the very small ensuite next door and change into some sweat pants and a plain t-shirt, after throwing off my shoes of course. I walk back into the the bedroom and slip under the covers next to her.

It's kind of hard to be just friends in times like these, I currently want to do many things to her that I can certainly NOT do. So I am forced to just roll over and face the other way.

"Luke?" She whispers and I roll back over.

"Yeah?" I ask back.

"What do you feel?" she says with big deep eyes. Her eyes have always changed colours from brown, caramel, nearly a bright yellow to darker green and when she cries a whole lot they go bright fucking green like she's from another planet. Right now they're a yellow colour.

"What do you mean?" I am confused, I can normally understand her drunk blabber language quite well.

"Like, not happy or sad but... Like what do you really really feel on the inside" she whispers. She plays with her fingers, not looking into my eyes.

"Umm I don't know Lil" I say stumped by such a deep drunk question.

"I think you do, but you just need to figure out which feelings are real" she mumbles. What?

"Lilo, why do you ask? What do you feel?" I ask and she makes a kind of tired grunt.

"I feel like I'm a person who has just started running in a straight line through a crowd of people, I feel lonely and depressed all the time. Except with you of course" she prods my chest.
"But I'm just confused and lost and I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going anymore Luke" even in the near pitch black darkness of my room I can see her eyes fill with tears.

"And I'm so sorry that I put you through all this" she sniffs with a sad expression.

"Lilo, if I didn't want to stick with you through this I could've left but you mean a lot to me and i don't want to leave you" I stroke her long messy hair.

"I love you" she whispers before she closes her eyes and falls into a deep sleep. When I'm certain she can't hear me I whisper my sober reply.

"I love you too" I kiss her forehead and close my eyes. I wish she wasn't hurting and lost, I really do. I try not to think about how much I want to make her problems go away or cuddle her or fuck her or anything. I just try to not think. I force my mind to shut up and I feel my brain quiet down so I can sleep.