Saudade

01. In The Stars

I remember the day it happened. I had just left volleyball practice, and I received a phone call from my mom.

- You already know what it is!

A million thoughts crossed my mind in that moment, and I was wishing, that my worst fear would not be about to happen. I tried to stay calm,  saying  that probably was on my side that day.

I never went home that fast because five minutes later, I was home, and my mom said the words I feared the most.

- Your great-grandmother passed away! - She took a breath and added - The doctor said she died peacefully in her sleep!

The world collapsed in front of me, but everything was still standing.

That day, my dad got home earlier from work, we changed clothes, and we went to see her for the last time. It was a bittersweet evening, seeing her surrounded by family and friends that loved her, and saying my last goodbye to her, forever.

We got home after spending most of the late evening in the church. I went straight to bed to forget that day. 

~

The next day was the funeral. While we waited, I could only think about my regrets.

For most of my life, I lived far away from my family. Because we lived in the middle of the ocean we would only come to the mainland a few times a year. Those times were mostly to briefly get in touch with the family and deal with bureaucracies. So, I missed a lot of her good days.

However, I always saw her as a pearl full of energy. Whenever we visited her, I would play board games with her. Her favorite was Ludo, in Portugal, we call it "Don't let get on your nerves". I would also play Domino with her, which was my favorite. I would watch TV with her or watch her, for hours, doing crossword puzzles. These are the memories that I get to keep.

The ceremony was tissues all over and even though I tried not to fall apart, in my head I could only think "I have to be strong".

The following days were mostly blurred memories. I missed school and everyone was expecting me to get back exactly where I left off.

I was trying to deal with death for the first time. The past didn't know this kind of pain, the present was learning to cope with it and the future knows that this would become a breaking point in my life.

~ ONE WEEK LATER ~

Today is my eighteenth birthday. I wasn't feeling the mood to celebrate but my mind kept saying "I have to be strong".

My mom made my favorite meal, codfish with cream. She is a talented cook and even more gifted when it involves pastries. She also made a red velvet cake filled with whipped cream. My parents tried their best to still make it a special day. I'm not sure if it even matters, all I wanted was for that phone to ring and I swear that in the back of my mind I could almost hear her voice.

"Happy birthday Skylar, today the flowers are bloomier and the sun is sunnier. I love you!"

The family members around the table were talking. For most of the conversations, I didn't pay attention, my body was there but my thoughts were slipping away as the time passed by. When I finished, I excused myself from the table and went to my room. I lay down in my bed facing the ceiling. My mom came a few minutes later.

- Are you okay?

- I miss her! - a tear slipped down my face.

- We all do, but you can't stop living, we have to move forward, that's what she would've wanted! - she hugged me - Don't you want to come back to the table?

- I'd prefer to stay here!

My mom nodded and left. I missed my great-grandmother every minute of the day. She would always give me the best hugs that would take all this pain away. I stayed in my bed crying, overthinking and trying to find a coping mechanism until I fell asleep.

"

8th of December 2017

We went to visit her for the first time at the nursing home. It was her ninety-sixth birthday. We decided to take some basics she could use for her daily needs, like some shampoo, hand cream, and some meds for her headaches.

When we got there, she was sitting in an armchair, with a blanket over her legs, and when she saw us, she instantly smiled. She was the soul of that place. We talked with her, I told her about school and my plans for the future but as the time passed by, her smile faded, the conversation was extinguished, and it was like she was not there. I went outside for some fresh air, and some tears. A few minutes went by, and my father came to talk with me.

- Are you okay?

- It hurts seeing grandma like this. It seems like this place is absorbing her energy!

- You must be strong because she knows you are sad, and she doesn't want to. She is calling for you!

My dad left, I cleaned my tears and went back inside. I kneeled next to her, and she whispered in my ear.

- I don't want to see you sad, Grandma is fine.

I tried my best to have a smile on my face the rest of the time we spent with her.

"

I woke up numb. I got out of the bed and opened the window. I sat on the window sill. I couldn't breathe, I needed air. I was angry. I didn't understand why. Why did it have to be her? I looked up to the sky and now that she is in the stars, six feet never felt so far...