My heart hurt. My head hurt. Everything hurt. How I am letting him go is beyond me. I felt like I should be happy for him when he announced that he was going to one of the top universities in the country. He does deserve it, he really does. He is one of the brightest people I know, the most creative, the most intuitive. The kindest, the funniest... the list goes on. But all I felt when he told me, was numb.
It felt as though my heart had been gouged out, stamped on, then forced back into my chest. I seriously don't think I'll be able to cope with being away from him for that long.
I'm not sure it's healthy how codependent I am. But when a person finds someone who takes all the negativity out of their life, leaving only kindness and love, it's hard not to feed off that person. I fed off Luke in order to keep my soul alive. It was starving and shrivelled before I met him, but merely being in his presence nourished me. I will be forever grateful for that. For him.
But then, did he really love me? Did he really leave love in my soul , or was that feeling just doubt. But at that moment, it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was letting him know how I feel before he leaves.
So that's what I did. I scribbled down a letter, even though I could have just sent him a text message. After I had signed off at the bottom, and addressed the letter to him 'luke skywalker' (even his name is beautiful) I drove to his house and stopped outside his front door. This could either make or break our relationship. Was it really worth the risk? We were fine as friends, why did I always need more. As I stood there, under the porch, I began to feel self loathing bubble deep inside my chest. Why did I always need more. This was just some silly school crush. This was so stupid. Just as I was about to turn away to go back to my car, to not confess my undying love for my best friend, the great mahogany door creaked open, revealing a very confused-looking Luke.
"Oh sorry," I apologised.
"Why are you standing outside my front door at 10 o'clock at night Din djarin?" He joked, beaming at me.
"Well, I, I was going to.." Din stuttered, "Nevermind. It's nothing really."
"Well obviously it's not nothing because you've been standing here for 5 minutes," he smiled. "You realise you could have just knocked, and.." he stopped, glancing down at my hands, "what's that?"
"It was meant to be for you but I don't think it's a good idea anymore.." Jesus it was not meant to play out like this.
"Nonsense Din. Im sure I'll love it," he reassured.
"It's only a letter, there's not really anything to love.." except me. Anyways, despite my better judgement, I handed it to him, looking down at the floor. When was the last time I had cleaned my shoes..
"Thank you," Luke grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug, burying his face into my shoulder.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and lifted my arm to stroke his soft blonde hair. After we pulled away, he said that he was going to read it, and told me to go home and get some sleep. I don't think I would have been able to sleep if I had gone home, so I got into my car and slammed my head against the dashboard. ow.
This was going to shatter our friendship. Why had I even gone to his house in the first place. I knew that he had no romantic interest in my whatsoever, why had I even tried. Why had I wasted my time writing that heartfelt letter? That stupid fucking heartfelt letter.
I was going to miss going round to his house, going on walks with him and artoo. I was going to miss his parents. When my parents failed to provide me with the love I desperately needed, Luke's parents really made me feel like I was home. I guess I considered them my family.
But all that was ruined because of that letter. That- and for the second time tonight, my thoughts were interrupted by Luke. Rapping on the window, he mouthed for me to open the door.
I unlocked the car and got out, but before I had time to ask if he was okay, he smashed his lips against mine. His lips were soft, almost silken, and pillowy against my own. I could feel the soft tickle of his breath beneath my nose, fingers carding through his hair as we breathed each other in. Warmth blossomed in my chest, sparks igniting as he pulled away and smiled warmly at me.
(The letter)
Dear Luke,
The first day we met, all those years ago back in 5th grade, I knew I was going to marry you. I don't know what the process of thinking was in my 10 year old brain, but I knew.. somehow.
Do you know that I love you? I never told you before, and now you're leaving I regret not mentioning it sooner. If you don't believe me then I'm going to keep telling you. There are no lies in these words, not one bit. Your smile keeps me alive and it's one more reason to keep fighting. I would give you my soul for comfort, even if it leaves me dark and cold. When I hold you close and hear your heart beating, I know that I've found my person.
I love you, always
din
