A Sour Grape In A Bowl Of Sweet Grapes

4

I'm constantly saying these two years are moving slowly yet it's speeding in a flash. Time is moving by. Watching relationships grow, people getting active, creating once-in-a-lifetime experiences. I'm so focused on rushing high school and making it out but never focusing on the time I have left. Always concerned about the future but never about the present day. They say high school is a time you'll never get to relive. So enjoy it while you can. Instead of enjoying high school I'm so put up with leaving it. So caught up in the fact of making it out. Maybe it's because I believe that it gets better after school, and life starts to be worth living. My world will turn into a colorful reality again. That's what happens after high school, right?

I attend a school prep rally. Everyone was cheering at all the different performances and announcements. All the cheerleaders and drill team were dancing and having a blast. All the students who played sports were called and cheered for. The whole prep rally was a fun experience and felt like the true meaning of high school. But during that moment I felt a flow of excitement yet a feeling of sadness. Seeing all the bright colors, everyone laughing and dancing. Seeing all the people running for homecoming queen and king. All this made me feel joy until I was hit by the thought, "Will that ever be me? Will joining sports or clubs make me social? Can I get popular to the point where I can run for homecoming king'? A forever dream I always wanted. Instead of living in the moment, I started to overthink.

A habit that I always hated for myself. Overthinking was one of my enemies that I wanted to take down. Another one of my enemies that's at the top of my list is regret. I'll normally overthink something and then regret it later. I could never bring myself to where I could do something and not overthink it before doing it. It's like I have to analyze my every action before I commit it. My conversations, my body language, all normal human interactions that are supposed to just come naturally I'm in my head planning it out. Making a blueprint for all my conversations

People might think this is a phase. That all this has happened to everyone before. But to what extent? For me, these aren't things that just happen. These aren't things that go away after a while. These are things that follow me. Being awkward, feeling alone, feeling judged, making people uncomfortable. These are things I feel haunt me instead of a bump in the road. This haunting, will it ever stop? Will there ever be a cross and holly water so strong to banish it away?