Deep Poems

The Weaker One

At times I feel small
I have my head against the wall
There's no one to call
Who understands it all

You made me feel small
Inadequate
And null 
beneath you
I recall
Stepped on
I recall

The way you speak to me
The words you use
The careless tone
And the numerous eye rolls
The contempt
And The condescending remarks
The passive aggressive things I can't call out

I don't recall I time I tried to
It's not like I even knew how to
What do I even say
It'll fall on deaf ears anyway
Cause no matter what
You don't respect me
No matter what
I'll always be smaller
Always be smaller in your eyes

At times I imagine having the grit
The confidence to throw a hit
The feistiness to clap back
But that's not me
And even if it was
it'll all fall on deaf ears anyways
Because who cares?
Who cares about my feelings
Who cares that I feel berated
Is it even worth bringing up?
Cause No matter what do I or say
It'll go back to being the same

I hate it here
I whisper to myself.... numerous times throughout the day
It isn't a safe space in my mind
In my mind there can be a bully too
There's no safe space outside too
I'm just floating around as time goes through
There's no safe space
This is the case

I'm too embarrassed to admit
That I feel alone
Because I'm supposed to be good
All on my own
I'm supposed to be independent
Never be codependent
I don't need anyone
Even when there is someone
I shouldn't cling on
Even when there's someone
Ill still feel there's no one
Cause It's not about the people
I'm just incapable
Incapable of connecting

Sometimes I feel like I'm not even here
Just living through a loop
I just cant bare
But do not fear
Because I'm aware
There's more to life than it appears

I want to be stronger
Even though I feel weak
I want to be hopeful
Even though I feel hopeless
In your eyes I'm weak
And that stings deep

I'm learning to grow thicker skin
So it doesn't get under my skin
To shrug my shoulders
And not let in dig in
To look away
And Let the words pass my way

So Shoulders high
Chin up
Not everything needs a response
In your eyes I'm the weaker one
But I know I'm not weak

10/7/23